Stop SHOULDING on Yourself. AND DO THIS to access your authentic power!

Elizabeth Winkler: 0:19

Welcome to the Shadow and the Light podcast with internationally renowned meditation teacher, davidji.

davidji: 0:26

And heart healer and psychotherapist Elizabeth Winkler, as we guide you through our unique fusion of ancient wisdom and modern psychology.

Elizabeth Winkler: 0:36

Get ready to awaken your true essence, heal your wounds and transform your shadow into light your wounds and transform your shadow into.

Elizabeth Winkler: 1:00

Hi davidji.

davidji: 1:08

Oh, hello there, Elizabeth, how you doing. I’m great Thank you and you.

Elizabeth Winkler: 1:14

I’m great. Listen, you know I find something that I am dealing with almost every day is helping people awaken from the trap of the mind which creates a trap of being in victimology or being a victim which oh, victimhood, yeah, let’s go there.

Elizabeth Winkler: 1:38

Yeah, no, it’s really. Really. You know, people are very blind to it and I’m sure it activates people to hear that word. No one wants to be a victim and many of us know people in our lives that are always complaining and stuck and, you know, can’t get out of their own way, sort of thing. But we all have this. Nobody is immune, because we all have a mind and our mind is throwing out 60 to 80,000 thoughts a day, and most of those are judging, comparing, catastrophizing, worried thoughts, and if you follow those, you will fall into a victim trap. That’s just the way it works.

Elizabeth Winkler: 2:19

So, understanding that, that’s why I love meditation and mindfulness, because the more conscious you can become of those movements of mind, those 60 to 80,000 thoughts are like drops of water. Well, let’s let them be drops of water. But what do we do? Well, a thought goes through my mind about something, about my partner or my child or my parent or something at work, and I pay a lot of attention to that thought. So all of a sudden, this drop of water becomes a thought stream of worry, and then it becomes a river of fear, and then all of a sudden, it’s an ocean of panic that I’m drowning in and you get stuck, and the thing is, we always have a choice. Now, a victim doesn’t think they have a choice. I talk to people all the time and they’re like I don’t have a choice. I’m like you will always have a choice. Like well, no, I have to go to work. I’m like, okay, so right there. So today I want to talk about some language hacks. Oh, yes.

davidji: 3:18

Our vocabulary is the thing that’s wanting, and so if we can up-level our vocabulary, then we can better express how we feel and what we want to ourselves, so we can have a deeper understanding and we can also share this with others, because we have three words for each thing and we are much more nuanced beings than that. We are so much more subtle in terms of our emotional spectrum and in terms of so many other aspects, so please guide us into this.

Elizabeth Winkler: 3:49

So this person would say, I have to go to work and I say, well, you actually don’t have to, you’re choosing to. And they’re like, well, I have to. I’m like, well, you could choose not to go, and they’re like, yeah, well then, but that’s a choice. So saying I have to is a trap. Let’s remove. Have to to choose to. Okay, that’s one. Another one is try. You don’t try to pick up a piece of paper, you pick up the piece of paper. You don’t try to turn on the lights, you turn on the lights. Okay, you do it or you don’t.

davidji: 4:22

Let’s just do this right now. Okay, here’s a great way for you to really see the difference between the two of them Raise your hand. Okay, now put your hand down and now try to raise your hand, Right, there’s a distinct difference. So one is doing the thing and the other is percolating about the thing but not actually doing it.

Elizabeth Winkler: 4:48

It’s not a real thing. It’s not a real thing, it’s a language thing. Understand. One of the things I talk about a lot with my clients is language, so I really want to focus on that today, the biggest one of all of them.

Elizabeth Winkler: 5:01

People who work with me know this. We delete the word should from your life. We can call this episode stop shooting all over yourself. Okay, albert Ellis said that. Stop shooting all over yourself, because the minute you say the word should, guess what you will feel Guilt. It creates guilt every single time. So if you want to feel more guilty, go ahead.

Elizabeth Winkler: 5:24

Say should or supposed to same exact thing. We’re all shooting all over ourselves and when we do that, we trap ourselves in guilt and shame, which what does that do? Creates more blockages in our heart. That creates more of a prison and we can’t be in the prism which we’ve talked about before. So I have a whole way of working with this, because you can’t just delete something and not put something else in, right, we need something else to use.

Elizabeth Winkler: 5:51

So the way I work with should is this I use a small thing like I should exercise, I should go for a run today. I’ll say that out loud and then I’m like, okay, I’m going to change that to want, because I want to get in touch with my body, into my sensory experience, not my thoughts about it, how I sense, into it. So instead of I should work out today, I want to work out when I say that I want, I feel into if that’s a yes or a no, and I may be like you know what I’m really exhausted, I’m not going to or, yes, that feels like it would be a good thing. It’s just a way to help you tune into your energy to see if that’s in alignment.

Elizabeth Winkler: 6:33

Shoulds are not in alignment typically. Now, sometimes they are. Sometimes the should is just masquerading as a should and it actually is something that you desire. Okay, I want to get into what you truly desire or is of the best interest to you, okay. So shoulds are about typically what our parents or our culture or our community have told us, what we need to do in order to be this or that right, and that takes you out of your prism again. It’s you comparing or thinking you need to be a particular way and it creates this victim trap and the guilt thing. Should is huge. I have one more.

davidji: 7:13

Do you know that you can’t spell shoulder without should, and so that should probably be the only time when we should use the word should as part of shoulder.

Elizabeth Winkler: 7:24

Okay, all right. So the other word is but Okay. So this has been really interesting to witness over the years. Instead of the word but use the word, and A victim always says yes, but yes, but yes, but yes. But. So they say yeah, it’s, you know, been a great, great living here in San Diego, but you know, my family lives in New York City and I just really wish I could be with them. Wait, wait, wait, right. But so they’re deleting. When you say but, you’re deleting everything you said in yes, which was the good thing. So what I have people do every time they do that is I say okay, change the but to and, and what they do is they kind of squirm in their seat and they’re like that changes everything. I’m like, yeah, because you have to take responsibility for both sides and it’s good because it actually makes you own your energy.

davidji: 8:20

Slow that down. I think that’s just great.

Elizabeth Winkler: 8:23

It’s huge.

davidji: 8:23

It makes you take responsibility for both sides.

Elizabeth Winkler: 8:28

And then it helps you make the choice, because the victim can’t make the choice because they don’t see the choice that is there when they’re budding it.

davidji: 8:36

The victim is always. You don’t understand this is my lot in life, Not oh, the shadow and the light, the yin and the yang, the whole, the opportunity and the. You know, we can choose to do nothing. We can choose to step forward. We can choose to do nothing. We can choose to step forward, we can choose to step back, we can choose to sort of like move sideways. There’s so many choices but we and and you just said but.

davidji: 9:04

You just said but there’s so many choices could be really, really annoying, hanging out with you on a consistent basis Totally annoying. We have so many choices and this scenario suddenly puts us in a situation where we are either empowered or not.

Elizabeth Winkler: 9:23

Totally. It’s about power, right, this is about power and authentic power, authentic power. It really works. I find myself doing it all the time, changing my butt to an and and just notice how it feels. Every time you say the word butt, just restate it and see how it feels. It’s going to feel a little awkward and it allows you to really be in a place of power and choice, which is what we’re here to do. We’re here to live the life that we came here to live, and we can only do that when we see the full spectrum, and budding something doesn’t allow that to happen. So replace your shoulds with want, see if it’s in alignment, have to Change, to choose to or get to try delete Really really powerful here.

davidji: 10:20

All of our conversations are out loud reinforcements of messages that we’re telling our brain. So if I keep telling you over and over and over, you know why I’ve made this big sacrifice, why I had to compromise truly what I wanted to do, I’m reminding myself and I’m reinforcing myself.

Elizabeth Winkler: 10:39

You’re saying, you’re adding another word, why, this is perfect, I love it. You just said why, why, why? So this is another piece. You’re just reminding me in this moment. So whenever I say why and I actually had a client doing this yesterday he was saying why, why, why is this happening to me, why is this happening? And I said okay, I hear you.

Elizabeth Winkler: 10:58

And every time you ask why, you are going to go back into your head catastrophizer, complainer, judger, comparer. That’s going to take you out of what’s actually occurring and it keeps you stuck in fear and victim. So, instead of why, what is happening? What am I noticing in my body? Go into mindfulness. Let’s get into the energy alchemizing pain, into power, fear, into freedom. How do we do that? Well, not by asking why. If you ask why, you’re going to get more stuff in your heart, more activation, more upset, more stuck, let’s go to where am I feeling this activation in my body? So, all the people that are feeling victimized or whatever it is, or activated, where in your body are you feeling that? Right now, it’s in your heart, your belly, your torso. Just pause. Notice Elevator from your head to.

davidji: 11:58

Sometimes in my throat I feel that yeah.

Elizabeth Winkler: 12:01

So just take an elevator from your head to wherever that is and just allow yourself to simply notice. Notice the weather within you. Notice if it’s, you know, dark, cloudy, if it’s a big storm, if it’s a category five hurricane, whatever it is, just notice. You are noticing it. And as you notice it, you may also notice there’s a movement within your breath which is like the wind moving through whatever weather we have. And we’re not trying to change the weather, we’re just noticing. Noticing the weather, noticing the wind and just being with it, just allowing it.

Elizabeth Winkler: 12:50

What if you were just to allow, accept and notice the weather and allow that wind to move through it and do whatever it beneath all that weather? And you can open up to that and notice that the sky moves way beyond your body. And just remember that sky is always there and I am the sky. I am the sky. How does it feel to be in that space, that open, available, infinite, untouchable, really unhurtable, itouchable, really Unhurtable. You can’t break that. You can’t break the sky. The thunder, the lightning, the storm, it doesn’t hurt the sky, it’s just there. So, so that’s where we can go when we really want to transmute and heal. So it’s not a problem being a victim. The victim energy is a guide back down to the energy within you, just a deeper place within.

davidji: 14:36

Whew, intense, it’s great. Where is our victimhood? It comes from living in the present moment. The victim lives in the past, in the past, with regret in the past, with all those woulda, coulda, shouldas in the past. You don’t understand. This is what happened to me. You don’t understand. This is the cards I’ve been dealt. You don’t understand. This is the cards I’ve been dealt. You don’t understand.

davidji: 15:11

We’re almost not allowing ourselves. First of all, we made it up like what our blueprint was when we were three, and then we’ve reinforced it, and then we’ve made excuses for it and rationalized it, and then we’ve held it on a giant flag that we’ve waved around. It’s time to let go. And last season we put down canoes and we burned grief boxes, all that. It’s time to put down the flag that we carry emblazoned on our shirt of the victim, because you’re not present and it doesn’t matter what has happened in your life. In the present moment there’s no pain, there’s no fear, there’s no regret. The present moment is perfect. It’s only a millisecond away Into the past or into the future. It’s only that micron of space when we step back or forward, beyond this sacred, precious present moment where, suddenly, then, the stories come about.

Elizabeth Winkler: 16:21

This thing of you don’t understand. Say that or get people to understand. What is truly longing to be understood is for your heart. Whatever that energy is, that weather within you wants to be seen by you, that you are being asked, that there’s a hand reaching up from your heart calling you to it. I call it a friend existing as resistance fear, a friend existing as resistance that is reaching up from your heart saying please come, come back to me, take my hand.

Elizabeth Winkler: 16:56

That’s how we get understanding. You’re only released from that when you see it within your own self. You’re looking outside for others to validate it, but that’s never enough because actually the energy is inside of you. And so when you do that pause practice that we just did, the pause notice, settle, practice and allow yourself to witness and potentially transmute it through that practice, the understanding comes, the true understanding comes, and often there’s a lot of wisdom that is born from that of meeting it, and people are afraid to go into their heart. You may have not done that exercise with us. That’s okay. You can always come back to this episode when you’re in a place where you feel comfortable and listen to it again in a safe space where you feel like, okay, I’m willing to go inside. I don’t think people realize, until they do it, how powerful you are within your own self and how much capacity you have within your own self. That sky-like presence is within every single person, but we don’t know it unless we hang out and check it out.

davidji: 18:08

I guess there’s two ways to look at this the person who does not see themselves as a victim but is representing themselves in the world and to themselves as a victim, so they don’t even know that there’s an issue. And the person who wears that badge of honor.

Elizabeth Winkler: 18:26

And so I think it applies to every single person including you and me.

davidji: 18:30

Sometimes we’re aware and sometimes we’re not.

Elizabeth Winkler: 18:35

Right, and complaining is a really good indicator. If you’re complaining about something, a lot, you’re disempowering yourself and you’re in a victim’s face.

davidji: 18:46

His coffee is cold.

Elizabeth Winkler: 18:53

What should I do?

davidji: 18:54

I am a victim of cold coffee right here you should.

Elizabeth Winkler: 18:58

You should, I should embrace it.

davidji: 19:00

That’s what I will do. I accept. I accept Cold coffee Some people pay extra.

Elizabeth Winkler: 19:11

For those of you who feel challenged by victims in your life, I have a therapeutic hack for this.

davidji: 19:20

Right, so I guess there are two worlds. One is I’m a victim and too bad, and the other is oh my God, there’s all these victims in my life. Now, elizabeth, you’re saying this is universal until everyone’s a victim.

Elizabeth Winkler: 19:31

We all fall into victim traps from time to time. Now some people identify, or more identified, with that way of being a hundred percent right. So there’s a therapeutic tool. I learned in graduate school, and I was saying earlier, that a victim is always yes, but yes, but yes, but. So this is a really powerful, transformational way to communicate with someone that’s stuck in a victim space. Here’s a hack for how to deal with a victim.

Elizabeth Winkler: 20:03

You don’t want to respond to the content of what they are communicating. Okay, the way you respond to them, because the content is kind of like bait and if you respond to that, then you’re going to get stuck in the hole, the trap, and you’re going to feel like you’re hitting your head against a wall and you can’t get anywhere and it’s really frustrating, okay, and so, as a therapist, you need to know this, because you’re just feeding the victim space If you respond to the content of the conversation. There’s a deeper way to respond to someone. You can respond to the process. So there’s something called process or content. The process, like it’s not what they’re talking about, it’s how they’re speaking. You can respond to nonverbal communication.

Elizabeth Winkler: 20:54

I’ll give you an example that I use. So let’s say that you and I are talking and I’m telling you I really I don’t wanna live in LA anymore, I’m over it and I would really like to move to San Francisco, where my best friend lives. And you’re like, okay, great, move to San Francisco, Do what you want to do. And I’m like, yeah, but my business is here in LA and this is going on. My business is here in LA and this is going on. Okay, so business is important, stay in LA, yeah, but my best friend, you know. So it goes on and on. It’s always yes, but yes, but yes, but whatever it is. And then you’re like, trying to support me and trying to be there for me, but every time I say yeah, but yeah, but yeah, but, but. So grass is always greener with the victim. So a process comment to that would be like you know, I’m noticing that every time I say go with what you want, that you want the opposite. So that would be a process comment.

davidji: 21:58

But what is driving that, though? Is it just me trying to figure stuff out in my head? What is driving that? What is driving me saying, yes, you know, I want to move, but I want to move, but so am I just torn inside and I’m inarticulate and I’m struggling.

Elizabeth Winkler: 22:12

It’s. The victim can’t see the choice. They’re not seeing the choice, they’re seeing a stuckness. The but, as I said earlier, deletes what they just said. So there’s no choice in a victim’s mentality. So I’m just saying, if you’re dealing with that as a human being in a family or friendship or partnership, don’t respond to the content. You will get stuck, you will be frustrated, you will want to like shake them.

davidji: 22:36

Okay. But I guess my deeper question is can they be shook? Or shall I just accept this moment when someone says to me these are the cards I’m dealt, and I would look at that and go say to myself, no, you’re making a conscious choice here. Am I going to really think that I’m going to shift this person in this moment there?

Elizabeth Winkler: 22:57

is a tool to help you get out of the stuckness, because most people come to me and they’re like, oh my gosh, I’m having the same conversation over and over and over Because you’re responding to the content. If you respond to the content, you’re not going to get out of it, so the only way out is to make a process comment and be like I’m noticing you talk about the how or what. You’re noticing, I’m noticing. Every time we talk about this, you go to the other side. You know this keeps you stuck, or like I’m noticing that you’re saying whatever. It is some kind of noticing of the process. I’m noticing that you’re saying whatever, it is some kind of noticing of the process. It could be a nonverbal thing that you comment on.

Elizabeth Winkler: 23:34

I’m noticing that you’re really frustrated in this conversation. Every time that we talk about this, you’re talking about something you desire, but you’re really frustrated and stuck, so you’re not responding to the content. If you respond to the content, it will go nowhere. So I’m just trying to give you a tool. I’ve given this to people for 20 years and it’s really helped them shift their conversations with their partners and friends and parents. So I see a lot of people with older parents. Going through these sorts of things, we get really stuck in our content and that’s the story that we tell ourselves. So getting out of the story, there’s just an option. So I hope that makes sense.

davidji: 24:14

Well, it does make sense and it reminds me so deeply of this concept of karma. Karma is a Sanskrit word. It simply means action, but of course we interpret it as retribution or payback for someone acting a certain way. Good karma, bad karma, all that stuff is just sort of like made up by our society, our current, our very modern society. In the ancient teachings, karma and I’m holding a copy of the Bhagavad Gita right here, I just happen to have one right here and of course we know chapter 2, verse 48, which begins with yogasta, kuru karmani. That word karmani comes from the Sanskrit root karma. Yogasta, establish yourself in the present moment, kuru karmani. Then perform action.

davidji: 25:06

According to the ancient teachings, there are three ways to move through the concept of then perform action. According to the ancient teachings, there are three ways to move through the concept of karma. Three ways. There are three things you can do with karma in your life. Number one you could pay your karmic debt. You could say these are the cards I’m dealt and this is what I’m going through, with a lot of kicking and screaming and whining, but my life is horrible. This is it.

davidji: 25:28

Number two, the second thing you could do with karma you can transmute it. I have this horrible, traumatic thing happen in my life. I rededicate myself to taking that, converting that, transmuting, channeling my rage, channeling my heartache, heartbreak, channeling my sadness, channeling into acts of greater impact and value. And the third thing you could do with karma is transcend it, move beyond it. Elizabeth has guided us through so many different types of processes or, for my Canadian friends, friends processes over these last several months of the Shadow in the Light podcast. This is the secret Truly view the wound as the way to meditate, to connect to the stillness and silence that rests inside and to accept, receive and allow all things, the most horrible things and the sweetest things. Just let it all come in, embracing the now and truly, not resisting, is that third step and you can transcend your karma. You can transcend the cards you’ve been dealt, but it’s a journey of liberation as well and it’s a journey of being able to identify your shadows and shine your light on them without self-judgment and without self-blame.

Elizabeth Winkler: 27:09

I find that with karma, when you act from a place of resistance, every action has an equal and opposite reaction. I had this client come in and was talking about her partner in a very particular way and then a week later came in and was acting in that exact particular way and we had a strong enough relationship where I’m like boomerang effect here and this is a really interesting phenomenon that I call the boomerang effect. And so if you want to know your karma, be aware of how you’re judging others or what you’re saying about others, because the universe, I think, has a kind way. I think karma is a kind way of bringing it back to you and helping you understand maybe something you were judging before from a different perspective, from your own perspective. We can go into that deeper in another episode, but that’s one of the ways I work with karma as well.

davidji: 28:06

Yeah, yeah. Well, we’ll definitely have a deeper episode on the boomerang effect. Even I want to find out what this is, so you’ll have to dive in and join us on an upcoming episode. And again, this is the Shadow and the Light podcast. My name is davidji, I’m here with Elizabeth Winkler. The Shadow and the Light podcast. My name is davidji, I’m here with Elizabeth Winkler, and, you know, in season two, we’ve introduced this concept of today’s takeaway Living the light. Living the light it’s our real world action step that you can take away from the tens of thousands of people who’ve been listening to this podcast. We’ve received so many comments and emails and all these different types of things, so we want to make it as great as it can be for you. So if you’ve got an episode that really touched you, definitely comment and rate it, and we want to read your review and reach out to us and tell us so. Today’s takeaway, living the light came from one of our listener recommendations, so we are so excited. And what is it? I have a choice.

Elizabeth Winkler: 29:14

Practice the mantra I have a choice, because we talked about victim and when you’re in that victim space, you do not have a choice. So remember, you always have a choice.

davidji: 29:24

I hate to double up here, but suddenly it sparked in me. It’s when Elizabeth said notice the weather inside. That’s just like what a powerful teaching.

Elizabeth Winkler: 29:34

Well, that could be your choice. I have a choice to notice the weather within instead of asking why. Yes, yes, I love it Instead of why me, it’s doubly intentional.

davidji: 29:44

There you go, so if you have been a victim, hopefully you’ve stepped out a little bit from your victimhood. My name is davidji. I’m here with the goddess of transformation, Elizabeth Winkler, and you’re listening to the Shadow and the Light podcast. Keep listening, keep joining us, keep sharing and come on, jamar, take us out of here sharing.

Music: 30:33

And come on, jamar, take us out of here. The light is here to remove all my fears and to bring new sight, the light. If you come, I will go to the deep to take me to you the light, the shadow and the light. There’s no fog and fog. I know you hold it as you’re holding me, but don’t rush past this moment. The darkness can become a friend. Love will come by your side and you’ll shine brighter than a million suns A million suns. You went through hell, but now you’re in the light. It is here to remove all your fears and to bring new sight, the light it is not able to hold in the deep, to take you to new heights, to the shadow. And the light has come because you love us. The light has come to set us free. The light has come to set us free. The shadow comes to set us free. The light Is here to remove All our fears and to bring new life. Oh, the light. The light Is the light that will go to the deep To take us to new heights, to the shadow and the light.