Transform Regrets into Freedom & Healing Today!

Transcript generated by AI:

Music: 0:00

I will not be afraid of the shadows in the dark. They will lead the way to the hidden pathways of the heart and that secret place that is where I find my start.

Elizabeth Winkler: 0:17

Welcome to the Shadow and the Light podcast with internationally renowned meditation teacher, davidji.

davidji: 0:23

And heart healer and psychotherapist Elizabeth Winkler, as we guide you through our unique fusion of ancient wisdom and modern psychology.

Elizabeth Winkler: 0:33

Get ready to awaken your true essence.

Music: 0:36

Heal your wounds and transform your shadow into in tune.

davidji: 1:04

Hi, davidji. Oh, hello there, elizabeth. I am so excited to introduce this topic. Regrets and grievances. They eat up so much of our life. They weigh on us seemingly for eternity. Can we move through them? You know, I’m here with Elizabeth Winkler, the transformational alchemical psychotherapist to the universe. Yes, here I am. So this concept of regrets I was just having a conversation with someone and they were telling me woulda, coulda, shoulda. And they were telling me that they’re holding this grudge for years against somebody who they have not seen since the moment of whatever that grievance creator moment was. And you probably experience this every single day with your clients and maybe you could just talk for a little bit about that. What’s your best advice and guidance that you have for them to move beyond? Or is it to move beyond regret and grievance? Is it to move through it, beyond it, around it, transcend it? What is that path?

Elizabeth Winkler: 2:22

Well, I always think that it’s about moving through things. I think that, as I say, the wound is the way. So it’s not always easy, obviously, to move through something and we might need to step aside, we might need to not do that today or this week, or this year or this month. Timing is a thing. So, in therapy, you’re establishing a strengthening of a relationship with a therapist to trust, and so you might not be able to even introduce the idea of releasing or forgiveness right. Ultimately, where are we moving towards with regret and grievances which actually, before we get really deeply into this, how are you defining these two things, regret and grievances?

davidji: 3:18

I was just using the generic terminology. A regret is there’s something I did or said or didn’t do or didn’t say that perhaps in the moment I was doing it, or here I am sometime later, I wish it hadn’t and it eats at me that I did or didn’t do the thing. And as far as grievance, it’s a grudge. And as far as grievance, you know it’s a grudge, it’s just something. It could be tiny, it could be huge that I’m just holding against someone. So I see both of these things as additional baggage, or luggage that we are wrestling with and taking through every moment. That we are wrestling with and taking through every moment, and not necessarily thinking about every moment, but I believe at a subconscious level, whatever we’ve put together to create the regret or the grievance is informing the next moment or certainly can inform our emotional response to the next moment.

Elizabeth Winkler: 4:19

I have a lot of thoughts about this. How is that going for you? Would be a question. I would ask the person that’s holding on about this. How is that going for you? Would be a question. I would ask the person that’s holding on to this. You know, people are holding on to their grievances or their regrets, or whatever you want to call it. As you said, luggage. What does a lot of luggage do? We talked about the canoes of our lives. For those that don’t know what I’m talking about, there’s an episode from season one. What are you really angry about?

davidji: 4:46

Yeah, that’s it’m talking about.

Elizabeth Winkler: 4:47

There’s an episode from season one what are you really angry about? Yeah, that’s it. That’s it. It’s Anchor, I believe, where we talk about two people who are crossing a field. They get to a river and there happen to be canoes for each of them to cross the river, so they both take the canoe across.

davidji: 5:01

I always see this. Whenever Elizabeth explains this or guides us through, I always see like there we are, she’s in her canoe and I’m in my canoe, and I know what happens when we hit the shore. Continue, please.

Elizabeth Winkler: 5:12

So we cross the river and because this is a land of abundance where everything is provided for us, apparently because there’s just canoes there, we get to the other side and I put I guess, if the scenario now is that it’s you and me, we’re changing the story. Okay, I put the canoe down and davidji does not.

davidji: 5:30

I pick the canoe up out of the water, put it on my shoulder. Not so easy, yes, and we continue to journey, walk through a field.

Elizabeth Winkler: 5:37

Now there’s no more water ahead. We can clearly see that there is no water. That’s correct. And there is no water. That’s correct. And there is a mountain that we will be climbing.

davidji: 5:45

Right and Elizabeth seems to have like a little rucksack, you know, on her back and I’m carrying the weight of an entire canoe, just in case there could be another waterway that we have to traverse.

Elizabeth Winkler: 5:57

Right. So when I originally created the story now it’s expanded, which I love it was about, you know, about different things in our lives. Our canoes are weighing us down and we don’t realize we’re still carrying them, and so I usually talk about this in another way, which you can hear that way in the anger episode, but now we can bring it to this. I think, when you are holding on to grudges, when you’re holding on to grievances, when you’re holding on to regret, how is that feeling in your body? You said baggage, it’s heavy.

davidji: 6:37

A lot of people feel a lot of heaviness lately. I think when we think of regrets, they’re sort of grievances that we’re holding against ourselves.

Elizabeth Winkler: 6:46

Yes, internal, and so some people may be, you know, like with anger, some people are angry outside, like externally, towards others. They blame, you know, or, yeah, blame, and others turn it on themselves and that can lead to depression. So you know the anger, the critical of oneself versus critical of others. So it’s interesting to look at the way in which we operate. Are we operating more externally with these emotions? Everything’s inside, but anyway. So my first question to everyone listening is what grudges or grievances or regrets are you still carrying? I think an effective awareness tool would be to do like an inventory of some sort. You know you could do grievances, grudges, so do you start with?

davidji: 7:31

like myself, my front row or my core relationships then to bigger, Because we’re holding grievances against people we don’t even know. Grievances against people we don’t even know. Some people have a grievance against this politician or against this famous athlete, or against some popular celebrity who just did something that everyone’s so outraged by and then suddenly it’s like that’s it. I am personally cutting them off. But I do want to dive into this concept of that regrets are just grievances we’re holding against ourselves. So if you have a methodology, a Winklerism to help us transmute that grievance or do something with the grievance the grievance towards self or the grievance towards other Can you walk us through this concept? Because I think that could be our path to liberation.

Elizabeth Winkler: 8:27

Well, do you have one for us to work with?

davidji: 8:30

Oh, you always want to make this about me, right?

Elizabeth Winkler: 8:32

We don’t have to. I mean we can. Okay, if we want to just go with the inventory. This is like a projection exercise. Okay, wait, wait, wait.

davidji: 8:40

I had a regret last night, but I guess it was a grievance I held against myself. Normally, right before I go to bed, I take Peaches, the Buddha Princess, out for her final walk of the night. It’s just a quick pop out, but I need to be with her because I live in a very rural area with coyotes and stuff like that, and she’s 16 and a half years old, so sometimes it takes me 10 minutes to wake her up, you know. So I’m massaging your legs and then massaging her belly and I’m petting her and I’m whispering to her, oh, and she really can’t hear anything anymore. She could feel the vibrations, you know. So I like to speak, resting my head on her belly or on her chest.

davidji: 9:16

Anyway, I suddenly realized that we’ve been together for 15 and a half of those years and she has always shown up and been there for me and I have traveled around the world. I have been in Dublin with you most recently and left her for two weeks. Sometimes I will sit outside and work all day long and I’ll keep the door open, but she has no interest in coming outside. I found myself last night doing a very, very deep apology to her, which who knows if she could even hear, because it was just because she really is hard of hearing now. But I found myself just last night just in apology mode I’m sorry I didn’t spend more time with you, I’m sorry I didn’t snuggle with you more, I’m sorry I didn’t do that. Now clearly I’ve been holding these things against me and it’s not like she can say I forgive you. But the beauty of peaches, the beauty of our relationship, is that she’s unconditionally forgiven me for everything that I’ve ever done. Not ideally.

Elizabeth Winkler: 10:17

So that would be an example If you wanted to use me as some type of Okay. So when you were expressing so, you became aware what was the first step there. You became aware that you had this regret just suddenly.

davidji: 10:28

I was leaning into her, we were inches away and petting her, and petting her and she’s asleep and then suddenly she starts to stir. And then she just looked at me deep, deep, deep into my eyes, and in that moment I was just like ah, and I said I’m so sorry, not, I love you. Well, as I was petting her, I was saying I love you, but the second she like made that eye contact. The first thought I had was like oh my God, I could have been so much better to you and she’s not dead.

davidji: 11:06

I mean, I know she’s, as far as I’m concerned she’s going into her twenties, but that moment was very powerful.

Elizabeth Winkler: 11:09

Well, it’s so beautiful because I have worked a lot in death and dying and this is the sort of thing that you offer people when exactly what you did is what you see people doing, often who I mean. Hospice work is about that is, about giving yourself permission to really face anything that you are carrying, that you didn’t get to say or that you want to say to the person who’s dying, or the dying to people who are saying goodbye. So really powerful what you’re sharing with us, because I think that we all don’t need to wait. As you said, this isn’t, she’s not dying. We don’t need to wait. As you said, this isn’t, she’s not dying. We don’t need to wait.

Elizabeth Winkler: 11:56

So we can begin by writing down. Just get a journal, you know, or a piece of paper, write down what are your different grievances, your regrets. You can do for yourself. I would go with what seems most hot for you first and let the list be created. You talk a lot about gratitude lists. We’re taking it to the darkness, we’re taking it to the shadow side. Why? Because by going there, we can create a lot of light. Look at the light you created in that moment with peaches, with peaches, you know. So this is an invitation for us to first look at what are our grievances, heighten our awareness and then, by writing it down, can you simply accept?

Elizabeth Winkler: 12:50

You know, always begins with I accept that this is something I’m carrying, and continuing to carry this heavy canoe in my life, and how is it weighing me down? How does it feel in my life for me to carry this canoe that I can’t stand, that the way that this person behaves in my life is a lack of acceptance? Essentially, I think most things are, or I don’t like a particular way that I behave in certain scenarios. What do I need to learn? I mean, this is about the exploring. This avenue is if it’s about yourself or about someone else. Certainly, we begin with acceptance. Can I accept again? I have to say this every time I talk about acceptance, and it has such a powerful impact on people Acceptance is not approval. Acceptance is not approval. One more time Acceptance is not approval. It comes out of my mouth so often and every time I say it, people say wow, that’s exactly what I needed.

davidji: 13:56

Right, because some people, the second you say accept, they instantly shut down, because they’re saying like no, you’re telling me to accept some abuse that I experienced, or some bad behavior that I experienced, or something.

Elizabeth Winkler: 14:09

So let’s dive into this a little more. Let’s make it about weather Like it’s raining outside. I love when you do this about weather. It’s raining outside. I love when you do this. It’s raining outside. You can choose to bring an umbrella or get wet. You might not like it. This isn’t about your preference, it just is what it is, or it’s already happening. There’s a leak in your kitchen.

davidji: 14:29

Well, let’s use that metaphor it’s raining outside and you and I are just about to step outside, and the approval would be I love the fact that it’s raining. The opposite of that would be I can’t stand the fact that it’s raining. I wanted it to be sunny today. My clothes are all going to get ruined, you know all that stuff. But if we don’t accept it, we both step out without the umbrellas. Now we’re just getting wet. So what did we accomplish? What was that thing that we championed to the world? To be right, it’s a classic Jedi move.

Elizabeth Winkler: 15:02

Totally.

davidji: 15:02

Justify, explain, defend and insist, if you’re a listener. In season one we actually came up with that right here. Well, elizabeth already had three quarters of it. I was the sprinkler in of the final quarter.

Elizabeth Winkler: 15:16

Yes.

davidji: 15:16

But I think that’s like one of the most powerful metaphors that you could use is the weather.

Elizabeth Winkler: 15:22

Right, maybe it’s your wedding day, let’s bring up the stakes a bit. Right, this is what happens. So acceptance is not approval Acceptance this is what happened. I got a flat tire or I hit traffic. How quickly can you let go of your preference? Let go and flow and allow it to be as it is?

Elizabeth Winkler: 15:41

What does meditation teach us? Allowing things to be as they are? When you sit down to meditate and your mind is, you know, sometimes it’s louder, sometimes it’s more distracting, sometimes there’s stuff going on. It’s louder, sometimes it’s more distracting. Sometimes there’s stuff going on, can you allow it to be as it is? That’s what I feel that meditation is teaching us to allow things to be as they are. That doesn’t mean that I don’t make change. It doesn’t mean that I’m allowing someone to abuse me, as you said, but to okay, this is the state of affairs, this is what’s happened, a tragedy to a little thing, maybe someone’s dying, maybe something tragic has happened in your life. Okay, this is the state of affairs. Apparently, now I’m dealing with this, what is the next right action I can take? When I say right action, I don’t mean right wrong, it’s a Buddhist term you can go more deeply into. Say right action. I don’t mean right wrong, it’s a Buddhist term. You can go more deeply into what right action is.

davidji: 16:37

Yeah, when we talk about right, we can probably like hearken this back to like the teachings of the Buddha 600 BC, so that’s 2,600 years ago, and this concept of right really meant aligned, slash, authentic. That’s really what we’re talking about. Elizabeth talks about this concept of anytime. We’re in a place of duality. It’s going to bring us down. It’s going to create the friction internally within us between what’s good, bad, right, wrong, this, that, and that’s why the shadow and the light, ultimately, is the fusion of the yin-yang and all things, the entire spectrum of various behaviors. But right just means is this supportive to you, and you could look at it like that Is it authentically flowing from you, as opposed to something that is contrived or trying to meet some standard that someone else has proposed to you?

Elizabeth Winkler: 17:37

I love that you brought up aligned, because I was talking about this in a session this week. I think that there’s a lot of misunderstanding and there’s so much conversation about being aligned. Okay, it can get really spiritually egoic. Right, I’m aligned, or whatever that means, and it’s supposed to be super positive to me. It’s just accepting what is Fully being with the moment Now, accepting what is.

davidji: 18:06

Could be that there’s a lot of tragedy going on around you or in your personal life, but you touched on this and I think this is the crux in your personal life. But you touched on this and I think this is the crux. When you say things like are we just going to acknowledge that the thing happened or that the thing is, can we just acknowledge it’s raining. We may hate it, we may be against it, it may be the biggest disappointment of our entire lives, but if we acknowledge it, then we can work on it, work with it If.

davidji: 18:39

I’m in denial and I go it’s not raining, it’s not raining, it’s not raining, it will not rain on my. You know, there’s certain things that we can negotiate. That’s not one of them. I know the power of prayer, very, very powerful, but we can’t will the rains to stop. And you may say, oh, au contraire, Of course we can will the heavens to stop. Well, that doesn’t always work. That’s all I’m going to put out there.

Elizabeth Winkler: 19:01

How many canoes are you carrying that you’re in complete and total denial of Right?

davidji: 19:07

Most of them.

Elizabeth Winkler: 19:08

That is, that’s what. I love when you said deny.

davidji: 19:11

Most of the canoes.

Elizabeth Winkler: 19:12

Well, it’s like, okay, this is why doing a body scan as a meditation when you’re doing this practice, this kind of looking at your inventory and maybe you write it all down, if you have a pen or if you have something you can type into or tap into, just putting this down.

davidji: 19:33

And of course, this is a 12-step practice as well, but that’s not where we’re really taking it from. It’s a 12-step practice because it is so powerful and it goes back to teachings of Vedanta and of the Buddha, and it’s this concept of taking an inventory, and that just means what’s going on, what’s going on externally, what’s going on internally, and what you can do is pause and where am I noticing this in my body?

Elizabeth Winkler: 19:58

When I think about this politician, when I think about my partner, when I think about my parent or myself? The grievance, the regret, whatever it is, you can write it down. But then you can take it to another level, right it to another level right and notice is there somewhere in my body that I notice an activation or a heaviness or something right? And if you want, you could draw that. You could draw like a stick, like a kind of like a stick figure kind of person. I have these at home and I used to take pens different colors and have people draw with markers where this anger is in their body.

Elizabeth Winkler: 20:44

Maybe it’s a flame in your heart or in your arms, or you can take this. You can deepen this as much as you like. You don’t have to do that. It’s just an option, giving you choices here. So starting to really deepen your awareness as to where this energy is living in your body. Now, this is, I think, the root of a lot of our physical health issues. When we are in denial of you know, when we are in denial of emotional baggage, it can become a physical ailment, it could be back pain. It could be. You know the list is too long.

davidji: 21:29

The list is in the trillions, so don’t worry.

Elizabeth Winkler: 21:32

But I mean, everyone talks about Sarno’s book. Do you know what I’m talking about?

davidji: 21:36

I don’t, but I am aware of Louise Hay’s book, the original book how to Heal your Body. Yes, and it was specifically after reading that book when I had these three herniated discs and it said oh, lower back pain, three herniated discs that means you’re not feeling supported. And I ran over to David Simon. I was working at the Chopra Center. He was my boss and my best friend at the time and I said I just read this book and here’s why my back hurts. You’re not supporting me. He leaned over and grabbed me and then picked me up, wrapped his arms around my waist, lifted me up and said now do you feel supported? And I was like, no, I think you’re just pandering to me.

davidji: 22:17

Anyway, we had this amazing, deep, deep dive and ultimately it was through the practices of pigeon, pose and knee down, twist, various yoga asanas, that ended up healing me. And in that moment and for the next 18 days, he made a point I didn’t ask him to. He made a point of saying what do you need? I got you covered. If there’s anything you need, I’m here to support you. And ultimately I went from overwhelmed to feeling safe. And that was a bunch of years ago and I had an MRI six months later and there’s no hint that I ever had anything wrong with my vertebrae.

Elizabeth Winkler: 22:58

One of my favorite statements that I often give to individuals or couples is how can I support you right now, which you’re making me think of? It’s just always a great question to ask people.

davidji: 23:12

But we should acknowledge, right, there’s always going to be something that in everyone’s life that they feel I could have done a better job at that. Right, we would call that a regret. And there’s always someone who we feel could have been nicer to us and we hold a bit of a grudge or we have a grievance regarding them. And I’m talking about with anything. We go to the restaurant and we say, oh, I’d like to order this and I’d like to order that, and the server says, oh, I’m sorry, no, you can’t.

davidji: 23:46

The chef won’t delete that thing out of the dish. The chef insists on making the dish with, you know, a giant cup of cream, and you’re like but I’m lactose intolerant, you know some, whatever the thing is, and you’re like come on, server, come on chef, can’t you accommodate me? And then, when they don’t and you go, fine, I’ll have something else. We hold that grudge, and you could hold that grudge for 10 years that the chef or the server didn’t accommodate your need in that moment. So what’s a tool that you teach people? I don’t need to create an inventory here, because I have my number one. Well, I think that’s the absurdity. I think it’s my number one grievance, but it’s probably standing on the shoulders of that your number one grievance is what?

davidji: 24:35

The fact that the server wouldn’t substitute my-.

Elizabeth Winkler: 24:39

I seriously doubt this.

davidji: 24:40

Well, in a given day that might be, though. I was like so, looking forward to this thing. And then no, you wouldn’t change. There’s this dish at this restaurant that you and I have been to, where they are using like this whole pasta with cream sauce. And I said I don’t do that. Can you do it with, like, vegetable stock? And they were like, really, we’re going to make your pasta with vegetable stock. Could there be anything you know more disgusting about that? When it came out, they’d used coconut milk and it was spectacular. They turned this Italian cream sauce into a Thai noodle dish with coconut cream. I’m getting hungry. Yeah, which was just amazing. So when I see that level of potential creativity, that’s possible, and I see other times when it’s not. So I mean, if you’re asking me right now what’s my biggest grievance, it’s not. I was just giving you an example. Sometimes really being taken care of, I feel so, so great, and sometimes someone not being willing to be flexible.

Elizabeth Winkler: 25:54

Well, that’s making you inflexible.

davidji: 25:56

For whatever reason.

Elizabeth Winkler: 25:57

So then, you’re saying, oh, why can’t they be flexible? But what are you doing in that moment? Right, right, Not being flexible.

davidji: 26:05

Right, but wait, let me rationalize it for you.

Elizabeth Winkler: 26:06

No, no no, you’re Jedi-ing me, no, no yeah, let me give you my rationalization.

davidji: 26:11

I’m the paying customer here.

Elizabeth Winkler: 26:12

Oh, so you’re better, so you’re in a better role. Are they here to pander to?

Music: 26:17

If I’m paying.

davidji: 26:18

You should be flexible. If I’m not, then I can understand that.

Elizabeth Winkler: 26:25

So there’s rules, there’s rules, yeah, yeah, but see, this is perfect. I love this. Usually, the thing that we’re saying the other person isn’t doing, we’re like, okay, why can’t they be flexible? And we’re being inflexible Love this. So it’s pure projection.

Elizabeth Winkler: 26:48

So this exercise that we began of writing the list, noticing where it is in your body, you want the fastest track. You got to work with your own energy. You know, not make it about the other person. I’m not saying you’re not going to do work with the other person or have a conversation or have a need that you need to express or something that you need a boundary. I have no idea.

Elizabeth Winkler: 27:04

It’s too many details to get into right now, but you can get in touch with the emotion that you’ve been holding onto. What are you holding onto and accept where it is in your body? Um, if you don’t feel anything in your body, that’s fine. If you don’t feel anything in your body, that’s fine. Express it in some way, whether that’s writing what it does to you. When you get activated, are you angry? Are you shut down? What happens to you as a human being? How do you shift? How do you change? How has this changed you as a person? How does it change you in your relationships? Does it make you more, I mean, I imagine, with your grievance? It makes you.

davidji: 27:53

I don’t know. You tell me I want to keep going back to the restaurant and now that they were so flexible and accommodating and they made me the greatest dish I could ever even imagine and accommodating, and they made me the greatest dish I could ever even imagine Like I want to go back to, I want to reinforce. And again you may say, well, you should just be flexible. You’re resisting. But I went to a restaurant. I told them what my conditions were for having that particular dish. They came up with a creative solution to that and it was amazing and delicious. So I don’t want to feel that every time I say, could you consider being a little more flexible, that I’m just so inflexible that I need you to move. But this is a classic Bruce Lee quote when he talks about do not resist and you will find a way through it.

Elizabeth Winkler: 28:41

Or around it. You’ll become aligned with the energy of the moment. So you are resisting.

davidji: 28:47

You know we are talking about this other concept, but I do just want to dive in just for a microsecond into this area. Making a request of someone does not make you inflexible. Maybe you understand. Well, here’s where I am, or here’s where my head is, or here’s how I feel. Can I get you to, elizabeth? I’m very tender today. Could you just be gentle with me? Am I inflexible? Am I trying to impose something on you? So again, as we translate that to more and more in different situations, I don’t think so. I think going into a restaurant and saying, hey, the last time I was here, you have this, really this creamy pasta dish, and I don’t do that. Could you do the coconut cream? Would you be willing?

Elizabeth Winkler: 29:34

Yeah, would you be willing? This is like the number one thing I teach. Well, it’s not my original teaching. No-transcript. Would you be willing to do this request?

Elizabeth Winkler: 30:06

Yeah, what I need you to do is it feels like a demand in relationships, any relationship, okay. So the other thing that I was hearing, if I can go, when I was asking you well, you said I’m a paying customer. We have to look at our belief systems. So what’s fueling these grievances? Where I feel entitled because we are talking a bit about entitlement a little bit here is belief systems and a lot of these belief systems, I think in your example’s like, well, I’m a paying customer, it feels very, you know, justified to jedi and so there’s a bully, do you?

davidji: 30:47

know how many times I’ve been to this restaurant. I haven’t seen you at the host table before, but you know I back in the day that they should name that wing of the restaurant after me. I’ve probably spent $5,000 in this place over the years.

Elizabeth Winkler: 31:03

Right. So it’s an invitation. This inventory is an invitation to look at your beliefs, look at the roles. I’m a paying customer. That’s a perfect role. You and I have talked a lot about moving from the role, which is conceptual. We don’t want to work at the level of concept of others. That’s not real. It’s made up Filling in the blanks about people and I’m a customer and you’re here to serve me and all that stuff. You know we’re human. Can we move from our role to our soul? And when we can move at that level, there’s a lot more harmony and alignment with allowing everything to be as it is. That’s aligning with the moment. Okay, apparently they’re saying no today it’s not happening. If you want to have more flow, if you want to have more alignment, how quickly can you let go of the preference of wanting it to be different than it is reigning?

davidji: 31:59

This is so classic Winklerism. The word preference, that’s really what it is. We could say, no, this is what I believe in. No, it’s actually a preference. It’s a preference that I like coconut milk instead of the cream that they’re pouring in. It’s a preference that I want this person to govern me rather than that person. So often we confuse that with my truth. Is my truth? Is coconut cream?

Elizabeth Winkler: 32:29

No, it’s just a preference, yeah, which is rooted in belief systems, and we’ve done talks on this. Is it true In an episode? Is it true about beliefs? This connects to one of the most ancient teachings I’m aware of from the Third Zen Patriarch.

davidji: 32:48

Who it’s Sen Chin Kan.

Elizabeth Winkler: 32:54

I would have to look up the name and the statement. The opening line is the great way is not difficult for those not attached to preferences. It goes on, but that opening line is what we’re discussing. Okay, just say that line again. The great way is not difficult for those not attached or you could say unattached to preferences.

Elizabeth Winkler: 33:24

It doesn’t mean that we don’t have preferences. That is a misunderstanding. We all have preferences. Okay, how quickly can you let go of the preference when it’s not available or it’s just not going to happen? It’s raining, there’s no sun, the coconut milk is not available today.

davidji: 33:47

The road is closed, there’s a detour. This store is closed. This restaurant is closed.

Elizabeth Winkler: 33:53

And what I want to say as a teaching to this, because some of these grievances, some of these grudges, are quite large for people and it might feel insurmountable to let that go. Okay, I’m okay with that. I am not asking you to move through something that you’re not ready to. That’s where we began. I said you know, today might not be that day, but what can you do? Start working with low hanging fruit. Work with, like what you’re saying, the road is closed or there’s traffic. I mean, for some people that’s big. So you know it. Just, it’s different. Low hanging fruit in your little mantra here is let go and flow, because you’re going to be in flow, you’ll be in the moment or you can do. I can handle this, whatever it is.

Elizabeth Winkler: 34:41

Another one I love is I love this because you hate it. Your grievances are you know, I hate that the Starbucks is closed. Why is it closed? It’s always closed. You’d be like I love that it’s closed. Oh, I missed my exit. I love that I missed my exit. I actually did that with my sister. We practice. I love it because the mind is in I hate this. So if you can say the opposite, which is I love it, you will laugh because it’s ridiculous and you will let go of this holding on system that the mind is so good at denying and not allowing you to allow things to be as it is.

Elizabeth Winkler: 35:16

So then, you can align with the abundance of the present moment and make a choice, a choice that’s going to work with what is.

davidji: 35:27

I did that with my meditation practice about 15 years ago.

Elizabeth Winkler: 35:34

Tell me.

davidji: 35:36

Every time I found myself not repeating the mantra. Every time I found myself not repeating the mantra. Every time I found myself deep in thought in the middle of meditation, playing out a conversation or just scanning things, whatever. In early training I had been trained ooh, thoughts are bad. And so what I did is, anytime I found myself not on the mantra, not repeating the mantra, I trained myself to smile. And I’m talking.

davidji: 36:08

A decade and a half I’ve been doing this, but in the first six months it wasn’t always so easy. In the first six months I’d be in thought land and be like, ah, and that’s when my practice was really more of a chore than a gift. And when I just added, oh, I’m thinking about that dinner conversation I had last week, and with a smile, suddenly it made the fact that, of course, drifting back and forth is never bad in the meditation. Sometimes I’m here, sometimes I’m there, that’s it. It was just that simple. And to this day I conditioned myself and reconditioned myself, brainwashed myself, reinforced that throughout my entire meditation practice. I’m not even paying attention to it, but I was meditating with someone and they opened their eyes and they go.

davidji: 36:57

I was staring at you and suddenly you, like, started smiling and I’m like, yeah, probably drifted away to a thought, like I don’t even know, it’s just part of my drifting process and applying that name just takes all the emotional charge out of it.

davidji: 37:11

Yeah, that was the thing for me. That’s like during that last election in the United States, you know, the vice presidential candidates were Tim Waltz, was Kamala Harris’s and JD Vance was Donald Trump’s, and so I printed out pictures of both of those people and in big black, bold Sharpie I wrote the other person’s name on that person’s picture. So every time I looked at the picture of Tim Waltz, the liberal guy, I was seeing the name JD Vance, and every time I was looking at the picture of JD Vance, the conservative guy, I was seeing the name Tim Walz. And I posted those in my house, I had them up and ultimately there was like this moment came over me where I was like I have no emotional charge about either of these people now, because I see them as one. It was like I have no emotional charge about either of these people now because I see them as one.

Elizabeth Winkler: 38:02

Amazing.

davidji: 38:03

It was so, so powerful. And everyone else I know was like the election’s coming and the world’s going to blow up and like all that stuff, and I was like, well, I did my little name, switch on the VPs and everything transformed for me. Wow, I love that.

Elizabeth Winkler: 38:20

I do that. I love it with the little things that annoy me, like when I actually did it this morning, the toilet seat was up and the toilet seat was left up and the door to the bathroom went. I’m like I love this so like little things, little little things that you just see it that someone didn’t do the thing that you always ask them to do.

davidji: 38:40

I love that there’s no coffee left in my cup. I love that my phone battery is on 1%.

Elizabeth Winkler: 38:46

But how much time and energy do we lose?

davidji: 38:51

Elizabeth, all of it.

Elizabeth Winkler: 38:53

By complaining about the toilet seat that’s up. The toilet seat is up. I’ve asked to put it down. I can complain about that and talk to the person again. I can also say I love it. And then it’s just funny. You know, yeah, but I love it. I said that this morning. Yeah, yeah. So anyway, I’m just giving it a little.

davidji: 39:16

Congratulations that your toilet seat was off and that your bathroom was. I’m growing that the door was your toilet seat was off and that your bathroom was.

davidji: 39:20

I’m growing that the door was A toilet seat at a time that the door was open. So you know, we’ve dived into this concept of regrets and grievances, but actually we talked about something even more deeply, and that’s accepting what is. You know, elizabeth, didn’t even know what we were going to be talking about. That’s the beauty of this podcast we spring the themes on each other and then just spontaneously flow, and so hopefully, you have also found some great, great tools in this process, elizabeth. What’s the final tool that you would like to share as our today’s takeaway?

Elizabeth Winkler: 39:57

Living the light. So just this practice of writing it down, becoming aware of where that is in your body, or drawing that and it notice the weather within you, allow that weather to move, do whatever it needs to do and then it will. It will settle in time and to start applying. I love it, I can handle it and working with the energy and work with you know little things. And then what happens? As I said, low hanging fruit, little things.

Elizabeth Winkler: 40:46

Put a little post-it note in your, in your car, on your computer or wherever you are, so that you remember to apply these things, these mantras, and then, when the bigger thing comes, that person that you didn’t think you could forgive or accept or whatever it is, becomes easier. You are deepening and widening your capacity to accept. This moves in two directions. It’s not just about. It’s about accepting and healing and growing within yourself and being able to be more accepting of others, and that’s a way to live an abundant life. And we don’t have to wait till that death day, like you were talking, you know. So, if there are people that you want to have conversations with, find that time, create that space and you will feel lighter and more available in your life and you will feel lighter and more available in your life.

davidji: 41:42

So beautiful, so beautiful, so happy that this podcast is over, not because I wish it could go on forever, but we want to keep you on a tight schedule. We want to make sure that you never feel that like you have to suffer or struggle when you show up to listen to the shadow and the light podcast. So we’ll see you on the next episode. From the sweet spot of the universe. I’m here with Elizabeth Mateo. Just give a shout out, mateo. This is davidji, wishing you an amazing day where you truly can step beyond, through around all of your challenges. Jamar, would you please take us to the next dimension?

Music: 42:34

I will not be afraid Of the shadows in the dark. They will lead the way To the hidden pathways of the heart and that secret place. That is where I find my start. The light Is here to remove all my fears and to bring new sight. The light If you come, then we’ll go to the deep to take me to new heights.

Music: 43:12

The shadow and the light. There’s hope out in the rock bottom. You hold it as you’re holding me, but don’t rush past this moment. The darkness can become a friend. Love will come by your side and you’ll shine brighter than a million suns A million suns. You went through hell, but now you’re in Delight. It’s here to remove all your fears and bring new sight. The light is a love that will go to the deep to take you to new heights. The shadow and the light has come because of love. The light has come because of love. The light has come to set us free. The light has come because it loves us. The light has come to set us free. The light has come to set us free. The shadow comes because it loves us. The shadow comes because it loves us. The shadow comes to set us free. The light is here to remove all our fears and to bring new life to life. It’s not that we’ll go to the deep to take us to new heights. The shadow and the light.