Unlock Your Secret Love Language & TRANSFORM Your Life Today

Music: 0:00

I will not be afraid of the shadows in the dark. They will lead the way to the hidden pathways of the heart and that secret place that is where I find my start.

Elizabeth Winkler: 0:17

Welcome to the Shadow and the Light podcast with internationally renowned meditation teacher davidji.

davidji: 0:23

And heart healer and psychotherapist Elizabeth Winkler, as we guide you through our unique fusion of ancient wisdom and modern psychology.

Elizabeth Winkler: 0:33

Get ready to awaken your true essence.

Elizabeth Winkler: 0:36

Hi, davidji.

Oh, hello there, elizabeth. We have been talking about doing an episode for over a year on this topic because you have taught it, I have taught it, we have dived deep into it and this is our episode on the love languages.

Elizabeth Winkler: 1:26
I love it. I created this diagram for my clients and anyone can access it on my website for free.

davidji: 1:34
And you’re probably most familiar with Gary Chapman’s five love languages and I encourage you to definitely, if this resonates with you, explore that, Go deeper into that. But Elizabeth and I even had a deeper awakening beyond the five and of course we thought we would share that with you.

Elizabeth Winkler: 1:56
Okay. So there are ways that we feel heard, seen in our lives, in our relationships, and many people here may be struggling with yourself, with your partner, with your loved ones, and so it’s a really wonderful way to understand yourself and others more deeply.

davidji: 2:14
It’s like a self-empathy and other empathy. So if you’re looking to have greater communication, if you’re looking to have a deeper relationship, if you’re looking to understand someone at a deeper level and or to be understood, if you’re looking to shower your partner or a friend or someone in your life with greater adoration and actually help them meet their needs and to express to someone else here’s how you could better meet my needs this is the episode for you, and I would encourage you to share this with everyone you know, because this applies to everyone, no matter what their situation, no matter where they live, what their culture is and what’s going on in their life.

Elizabeth Winkler: 2:59
Yeah, and it’s just a really interesting way to understand how we connect. Interesting way to understand how we connect, so how we feel. In your love relationship, you may communicate in a very different way than your loved one. I love this diagram that I have because it really spells it out, and sometimes if you talk to your loved one about this, they’re like you’re telling me what to do again. I’m just so over this. But when you look at a diagram, it’s universal. You can see like, oh wait, you see yourself in this, so I want to break it down.

davidji: 3:34
In the original translation that Gary Chapman came up with and shared this vision with the world. This is meant to be for your partner. This is meant to be for your partner so for you to identify what’s your partner’s love language, so you could extend yourself to them and actually meet their needs. And everyone’s got a different trigger, everyone’s got a different access point in terms of what their needs are.

Elizabeth Winkler: 4:06
That sort of sets the table for this conversation. So what I’ve done is I’ve sat, like at the literal, at the dinner table with my children and my partner and had this diagram in front of us and we all get to look at there’s a section of it how to communicate when your need is physical touch or words of affirmation or quality time. I call it focused attention. There’s easing someone’s burden or acts of service, receiving gifts. And then davidji and I co-created honoring space as another one, right, or actually, davidji, you woke up from a dream about that. Do you want to talk about that?

davidji: 4:43
It’s so interesting because we could apply traditional Chinese medicine, we could apply Ayurveda, we can like what’s the lane that you want to use to help people really identify what category fits them. So Gary Chapman originally said some people just need words of affirmation. They prize verbal commendation, they love that. It helps to validate their actions. Other people they benefit from receiving acts of service. So when you say, hey, I know you were going to like run a bunch of errands, I could do that for you. Suddenly it demonstrates deeper levels of empathy and compassion. And some people are like, ah, they’re taking care of me, they’re running my errands for me, they’re vacuuming for me, they’re doing things that are, you know, taking stuff off my plate. Other people they want the bling, they want the cashola. It’s like, oh, you know what would really make me feel great? If you bought me that magnificent necklace that I’ve been thinking about and dreaming about, or if you brought me flowers when you came home, or if suddenly there was a little present, not just on my birthday or Christmas or Valentine’s Day. Here’s a random little gift for you. Those are the things that spark my heart. Other people it’s quality time. If someone wants your time, they don’t want the gift. They’re not looking for words of affirmation, they want the quality time. And we confuse those and miss those. And if someone really thrives on quality time and we’re giving them beautiful necklaces and we’re giving them these other prizes or telling them how amazing they are, but that’s not even speaking to them, it’s missing the point. And that fifth one is physical touch, attention, affection, and sometimes that could even just be a hug. But some people really need that more than anything else. And yes, elizabeth, I had just taught this to the MindShift community Many of you listening right now are members of my MindShift community and I went to bed. It was like two o’clock in the morning and I’d been in bed for a while and suddenly I literally popped up, scared the bejesus out of peaches. The Buddha princess, who always sleeps at my side, popped up and went.

davidji: 7:12
None of those love languages speak to me. I don’t thrive on any of those things. I don’t thrive on words of affirmation yes, it’s nice to hear. I don’t thrive on acts of service. Oh, you’re going to take care of that for me. It doesn’t last long or resonate deeper. I’m okay, just doing that myself. I don’t thrive on gifts. I appreciate them so, so deeply. That’s not it. Quality time yes, when someone spends quality time with me, that’s great, but I live a life of present moment, awareness and pretty much, if you’re with me, we are sharing that quality time and physical touch. Yeah, love it, but it’s not the thing. So I popped up at two in the morning and said, oh my God, what I need to be left alone. I need space.

davidji: 7:59
My most productive periods of my life are when I was just given space. I was able to write books, I was able to record meditations. Give me space, and I am so grateful to the space giver beyond anything else that I want. I was just at the beach for like four hours the other day and I didn’t speak to a person. I did speak to Peaches, the Buddha Princess, my companion, who was there with me, but in those four hours I just wanted to not have a conversation, to not have to explain anything, to not have to be a receiver or a giver of anything, just to have space to think, to breathe, to be, be. And so for me, that sixth one.

davidji: 8:48
And when I told Elizabeth and Elizabeth I believe it was like the next morning or the next afternoon I was like ooh, ooh, ooh, you know the five love languages, it’s a sixth.

davidji: 8:54
And she said you know, I really like that space thing too. So, because we are such kindred spirits, we said, well, let’s create truly a teaching that’s built honoring Gary Chapman, of course, for the first five, but a teaching. And she created a chart and she created this powerful. Here’s what’s happening when your needs are being met. Here’s what your life can be taken to. So can you guide us through each one of these, elizabeth? How, each of us? Because I think first, before we get there, we should invite people to try to figure out which is the love language that is yours. And again, this is about when do you feel loved, when do you feel whole, when do you feel completed? When you receive words of affirmation, when someone performs acts of service for you, when you receive gifts, when you have quality time, when you’re given quality time with somebody, when you are the receiver of physical touch or when you are the receiver of being given space.

Elizabeth Winkler: 10:07
Yeah, so in this chart there’s guidance on how to communicate. That’s one lane of the chart. Another lane is actions.

davidji: 10:14
If you go to theshadowandthelightpodcastcom, you can actually get the chart. We’ll share the chart with you right there.

Elizabeth Winkler: 10:23
Yeah, you can also get it on my website too. I have a lot of downloads there. So there’s how to communicate lane, there’s actions to take, and then there’s also things to avoid. Now, I really like the things to avoid part, because that’s when you start to see yourself or someone else, so actually that’s where I want to start. So in physical touch, things to avoid would be pulling away in moments of intimacy, neglecting right, and so maybe there’s someone here who that you get like the ick with someone and you’re like pulling away because maybe they’re clinging to you. Well, they might. That might be their love language, so being more conscious of that Right. So things to avoid when your love language is words of affirmation In my chart I call it acknowledge and praise. The things to avoid would be not acknowledging or appreciating efforts.

davidji: 11:21
Taking for granted certainly somebody’s efforts.

Elizabeth Winkler: 11:24
Right. So not acknowledging Like, oh, thank you for doing that, thank you for cleaning that up for me, or whatever it is, and non-constructive criticism. So those are things to avoid. Focused attention needs, which would be quality time. The thing to avoid would be acting distracted when you’re together, for example, being on your phone when you’re together. So if you’re out with someone and they’re on their phone and that really bothers you, quality one-on-one time might be your thing. Lack of one-on-one time so if you’re all of a sudden you’re going on a date or you’re doing something and your partner’s on their phone at dinner or whatever, and that really upsets you, quality time may be your thing. I call it easing your burden. That’s in Gary Chapman, that was acts of service. This is a big one for me. So I see myself in this.

Elizabeth Winkler: 12:12
Failing to follow through with tasks. When someone’s failing to follow through tasks, you want to avoid. Failing follow through. Do what you said you intend to do. That’s like one of my things. So I like to do what I say I’m going to do. I like to show up, and so when people don’t follow through, that’s a big one for me. Receiving gifts things to avoid. Gifts do not have to be extravagant, but it’s important to not forget special occasions. This could be like a note writing a note. I see this a lot with my clients. Get special occasions. This could be like a note writing a note. I see this a lot with my clients, you know, writing a nice note to someone acknowledging that it doesn’t have to be like this expensive thing, but putting meaning into your gifts and being unenthusiastic in your gift receiving, not expressing gratitude.

davidji: 12:56
Let’s go deeper into that concept, because receiving well is a form of generosity. We’ve all said it. Oh, you shouldn’t have. Oh, no, no. I’m holding up my hand right now, sort of like blocking the energy. Oh no, no, no, no, don’t give me that. That’s not necessary. Meanwhile, the person went to whatever extent that was and stepped it up and thought this would make you happy or be a pleasurable thing for you, and for you to block that in any way. So being a good gift receiver is a gift.

davidji: 13:30
It’s a gift. Yeah, you know, that’s like you know be happy, Don’t be resistant when someone has gone out of their way to give you something.

Elizabeth Winkler: 13:39
Say thank you Right, even if you’re uncomfortable. I teach people this all the time Just take a breath and say thank you.

davidji: 13:48
It’s always uncomfortable because you’re giving me your last Starbucks egg white bite. I don’t feel right taking your last egg white bite and you’re like, no, no, no, it’s okay, it’s okay, I’m full, I feel good, I would like you to have it and it’s like you know, oh, no, no, no, I can’t. Meanwhile the thing’s getting cold, no one’s eating it, and then the whole thing is ruined. So can we be good receivers? Again, this is all about dynamic exchange, energetic dynamic exchange giving and receiving energy.

Elizabeth Winkler: 14:21
Yeah, and then with honoring space, the things to avoid, which you would be able to speak to very well, is invading personal space or time micromanaging, questioning their vision, personalizing their need for space oh, that’s a big one, because I have this one. So things to avoid would be personalizing their need for space oh that’s a big one, cause I have this one, so things to avoid would be personalizing their need for space.

Elizabeth Winkler:  14:46
This happened to me.

davidji: 14:47
I remember in college.

Elizabeth Winkler: 14:47
I remember in college I lived with all these women and I would go. Sometimes I would have dinner. You know, we had like a shared like living area and sometimes I needed to just go in my bedroom and sit at my desk and have dinner alone, because I need space, like that’s part of who I am and if I don’t do that, I’m not going to be very nice. I need that to reset.

davidji: 15:07
This is such in Ayurveda. This is such a pitta thing. Pittas are fire people who need space and cooling.

Elizabeth Winkler: 15:15
I could also say it’s the. I’m a tiger, I was born in the year of the tiger. I need space. But my roommate at the time was totally making it about her, which we do. We make everything about ourselves, we personalize and all that sort of stuff, and I learned over time to just let people in my life know, hey, I need space, and I’ve taught a lot of college people this because they’re living with lots of people. If you need space, let people know it’s not about you this?

Elizabeth Winkler: 15:41
because they’re living with lots of people. If you need space, let people know. It’s not about you, that’s just something that I need in order to be happy, be relaxed. It’s not that I’m a total introvert, it’s just I need that time to myself. So in these different ways of looking at things to avoid, you may see yourself or someone else or notice things that you do and it upsets someone, and so that’s a good way to identify. And then in this chart we also have how you can communicate, how actions you can take.

davidji: 16:08
This is so powerful and this is very, very important for us to. You know, Elizabeth, and I will always stress hold up the mirror and take a look at your life what’s working and what’s not. And take a look at your life what’s working and what’s not. And when you look at the stuff that’s working and or not working in your life, you may realize oh, you know, this comes back to an episode that we also have done on needs.

davidji: 16:36
I’m not expressing my needs enough to people and, Elizabeth, maybe everyone in that setting when you were in college thought you were a weirdo there and they all talked about you behind your back. It happened in school. I’m sure they were talking about you behind your back, but it was clear Like, oh, they would roll their eyes and go oh, she’s eating at her desk, wink, wink. But what is the fallout of that? It’s like, oh, what a horrible thing. No, it’s a non-event. And I think if we are clear and say to people, this appears to be my love language or this appears to be the thing that really fills me, then there’s a higher possibility people will meet your needs in those moments.

Elizabeth Winkler: 17:18
Yeah, and then you have this like very simple chart that tells you actions to take, how to communicate, things to avoid. It’s really helpful, especially when that’s not the way that you are, when you’re like, I am not into words of affirmation at all, but this tells you, okay, if your partner is, use encouraging tones, affirmation and excitement Right.

davidji: 17:39
So we’re not just talking about the words, we’re talking about the vibe, yes, the tone of that the tone, and be excited, recognize their uniqueness.

Elizabeth Winkler: 17:50
Actions you could take would be, you know, text them handwritten cards, compliments, genuine encouragement, things like that, you know. So if it’s very foreign to you, because that’s just not what you do, this is a very important thing to look at and, I think, do it with your kids. I personally sat down with my children and my partner. We all looked at it. We’re like, okay, we all got to see. And then it’s like we can be more intentional about how we interact with each other because it’s like, oh, yeah, they like that. Okay, I’ve got this thing. I can remember that when I’m working with families and couples, they’re always like, oh, he still hasn’t done that thing that he says he’s going to do. When is he going to do it? Well, in that moment, her need is easing her burden, and so when we can identify this through the chart, it makes it less personal, like my wife or my husband’s telling me to do this. It’s a universal thing.

davidji: 18:42
Let’s do that. Let’s see if we can identify who are the people in our life right now. So that’s one thing to do. And what are their love languages? You could either show them this list of six or ask them what’s your love language? What when it’s given to you or spoken to you or shared with you? You know these are all love currency. You know what’s the thing that makes you whole or completes you or lifts you or elevates you or makes you feel loved. What are those things?

davidji: 19:18
But again, this is something that we could apply to ourselves as well, because I always thought it was one thing, and until I actually taught that in a presentation did I realize I’m not speaking about my own love language here. You know, sometimes we need to like, do that to have that realization. Elizabeth’s handout I don’t know how she even came up with these, but she’s even got little icons or images next to each one of these so that even from across the room you could tell it’s like oh, it’s that handholding or that hug or those eyes gazing at me with focused attention. So it can really help us communicate. I thought this was the episode on love languages. It’s really an episode on love and communication.

davidji: 20:12
And feeling more ease and flow in your family or your relationships, because if you’re attending to your own understanding of yourself and that of others, it’s going to be a lot of flow and more connection and love, as you said people’s cameras aren’t on, we’re losing like 90% of the interaction there and if you’ve ever been on a Zoom call where you’ve been on or the host has been on visible, and then there’s a whole bunch of people who who knows what they’re doing, their cameras are off but it’s impossible to tell, like, where they’re at or what’s going on. Because, elizabeth, you have a statistic about nonverbal communication.

Elizabeth Winkler: 21:00
Oh yes, so 80% of our language is nonverbal.

davidji: 21:04
Right. So if 80% of our language, our communication is nonverbal and all you see is someone’s picture on a Zoom call, unfortunately you’re missing 80% of that potential communication, sort of like phoning it in for that concept. So this will allow us to really identify at a deeper level what our self-care, heartfelt needs are and in the process we will forge a deeper connection with the people in our life. So you might want to look at your front row, you might want to look at who’s rooting for you, who the people you live with, who the people you spend the most time with, and then make a little entry next to their name. Is it that they need words of affirmation, acts of service, gifts, quality time, physical touch or space? But I think first do this for yourself, then do it for those in your life, then begin that journey of sharing.

Elizabeth Winkler: 22:06
The more relaxed you are, the more available you are to the present moment, the more you are in your abundance and the more that you are able to be living your deepest wisdom, your deepest desire to manifest your dreams, etc. Etc. The reason that we get into fear mode is because we’re intense, we get tensed up, we’re not feeling heard, we’re not feeling seen, you know, and then we go into our mind and we go into fear. So what this brings is an ability to let go, an ability to relax into what’s here now, and so I think that it really can add so much value beyond what we’re just even thinking about.

davidji: 23:10
Yeah, and for those of you who are fans and we are fans of Don Miguel Ruiz’s the Four Agreements Be Impeccable With your Word, don’t Take Anything Personally, don’t Make Assumptions and Always Do your Best. This would be in that category of don’t make assumptions and always do your best. This would be in that category of don’t make assumptions. Let’s not make assumptions of what completes another person. Let’s not make assumptions of what is satisfying emotional communication. Let’s not make assumptions about that. Let’s dive deep into this process.

davidji: 23:43
This is not just some touchy-feely thing. There’s scientific evidence about cortisol levels that go down when these needs are met in this way. Someone who really needs physical touch and suddenly just resting a hand on their arm if that’s the thing that solves them or completes them. There are scientific reports that show that boom, it’s like a 50% to 70% drop in cortisol levels just from having a comforting hand resting on someone. Those people who really thrive with words of affirmation. They’re begging for that. They may not be saying it, but they’re begging. They just want someone to give them some level of encouragement or telling them it’s going to be okay. They’re just looking for that. But if you’re not that person and you receive that, it’s going to be irritating. Don’t give me your platitude and get your hand off of me, and suddenly you realize I don’t need any of those other things.

davidji: 24:42
So imagine the quantum leap that your relationship can take with the people where you suddenly share. You know what? For me, it is all about this quality time. When we spend an hour together on date night or just walking or just sitting in chairs gazing up into the sky, we don’t even have to be talking, but just sharing. That quality time is the thing that completes me.

davidji: 25:08
So find out what that is and you may say, well, it’s not quality time for me. But if the other person says it is quality time, you want to give that deepest gift. It’s support their love language and meet them where they are and meet them where they are.

davidji: 25:28
There’s so many different ways that we can look at. How do we raise the levels of emotional connection in our life? We have these little tools to help us, help those in our life that we care about, to help them take their lives to the next level. And so, whether this is using the four agreements to get to this place, whether this is using Gary Chapman’s five love languages or Elizabeth Winkler’s six love languages, or whether this is Maslow’s hierarchy of needs, or even just the four needs of the heart attention, affection, appreciation and acceptance, or whether this is the five divine principles that I write about in Sacred Powers. There’s so many different access points that we can all have, but the conversation needs to be had and it puts you in a very, very vulnerable space for you to actually say to someone here’s what my love language is.

davidji: 26:24
I think I’ve done a little work on it. What do you think yours is? And offering them this chart that you can get at elizabethwinklercom or the Shadow in the Light podcast show notes also.

Elizabeth Winkler: 26:37
Yeah, so I think that this is ability to zoom out right, that’s what we’re talking about. All of these different ways to zoom out. We can get lost in the minutia of all of these things, but to be able to zoom out look at this, it’s not personal, it’s universal. And where do you fit in? And I find that you usually have a couple of them. It’s not just one for me, I definitely have two, and maybe you know, from time to time, more than that, so than that. So it doesn’t have to be one love language or you know. So take a look and maybe it changes over time.

davidji: 27:12
And just asking the question starts a dialogue. It’s like oh, you actually give a crap about me. That’s amazing. You actually care about what’s going to complete me or fill me. So if you really want to take a relationship to the next level, print out Elizabeth’s handout and print two copies and sit down with this other person in your life and say here’s something that’s really cool, let’s explore together. I guarantee you that your relationship will be taken to a higher level.

Elizabeth Winkler: 27:45
What’s your living the light of this?

davidji: 27:47
And now it’s time for today’s takeaway, what we often refer to as living the light. Today’s takeaway is that guess what? We’re all multidimensional. You and I are multidimensional, but that doesn’t make us the same dimensions. And there’s opportunities that we have in our life to learn more about ourselves and learn more about the people in our life, and there are so many challenges with relationships. When we get the opportunity to take a relationship to ratchet it up a little bit or level it up or make it deeper through a pretty effortless process, we should seize that. We should grab that. So today’s takeaway is yes, go to elizabethwinklercom or click the link in the show notes, which will take you to the shadow and the light podcastcom, and begin this conversation with yourself and ask yourself what’s my love language? What is my love language? And then, once you’re clear on that, you can start sharing that with other people and just watch your life get taken to the next level.

davidji: 29:00
My name is davidji, I’m here with Elizabeth Winkler and we are the Shadow and the Light podcast. We’re so grateful that you’re here. We are touching thousands and thousands of cities around the world and hopefully you’ve shared this with someone that you care about and if you do care about someone. Maybe you’re not ready to yet share with them the handout, but you could definitely share the podcast with them, and so I invite you to follow us on Spotify, on Apple Podcasts, on YouTube or wherever you listened to this podcast, right here, right now, and keep meditating, keep connecting to your heart and keep exploring the shadow and the light. Take us out, jamar. That is where.

Music: 29:49
I find my start. The light Is here to remove all my fears and to bring new signs. The light Is a cloud that will go to the deep to take me to your eyes. The shadow and the light. There’s no fog and rock bottom. You hold it as you’re on the mend, but don’t rush past this moment. The darkness can become a friend. Love will come by your side and you’ll shine brighter than a million suns A million suns. You went through hell, but now you’re in the light. It is here to remove all your fears and to bring new sight. The light, the light. It is not that we’ll go to the deep To take you to new heights. The shadow and the light has come because it loves us. The light has come to set us free. The shadow comes because it loves us. The shadow comes to set us free. The light is here to remove all our fears and to bring new life. The light is here to remove deep, to take us to new heights. The shadow and the light.