What do you need to feel whole? Try this powerful technique!

Music: 0:00

I will not be afraid of the shadows in the dark. They will lead the way to the hidden pathways of the heart and that secret place that is where I find my start.

Elizabeth Winkler: 0:17

Welcome to the Shadow and the Light podcast with internationally renowned meditation teacher, davidji.

davidji: 0:23

And heart healer and psychotherapist Elizabeth Winkler, as we guide you through our unique fusion of ancient wisdom and modern psychology.

Elizabeth Winkler: 0:33

Get ready to awaken your true essence. Heal your wounds and transform your shadow into in tune.

Hi, davidji.

davidji: 1:03

Oh, hello there, Elizabeth. Welcome to another episode of the Shadow and the Light podcast. So great to be here with you, Elizabeth. We are cruising along and today I thought we would talk about one of my favorite topics, and that is expressing our needs to other people. There’s that line, of course oh, if you loved me, you’d know what I need. But of course, if we don’t tell other people what we need, as David Simon, one of my great teachers and friends, once said, then you’re ESPing all over yourself, esping, esping all over yourself.

davidji: 1:43

You’re guessing, you’re ESP-ing all over yourself, esp-ing, esp-ing, all over yourself. You’re guessing, you’re forcing someone else to guess essentially what your needs are.

Elizabeth Winkler: 1:51

But people might not know what ESP is.

davidji: 1:54

Oh, esp is extrasensory perception. Does everyone know what ESP is?

Elizabeth Winkler: 1:58

I feel like it’s like an old school.

davidji: 2:00

Oh, it’s old school, it’s like really old school, it’s like grandpas and grandmas out there, you know what ESP is. For those of you who are under 100, esping is when you’re clairvoyant, when you can guess what someone else is feeling or saying, and we’re bad guessers. So I think that if you want to get your needs met your needs of attention, affection, appreciation and acceptance, your needs of safety, your needs of connection, your needs of love and belongingness then you have to express those needs.

Elizabeth Winkler: 2:35

Yes, first thing I think of is nonviolent communication, yes, yeah. So for those of you that don’t know, I highly highly recommend you check out Marshall Rosenberg’s work on this, and there’s a lot of wonderful videos that you can watch, and learn Dr Marshall Rosenberg, no longer in this earth plane, but the creator of nonviolent communication and the author of that book.

davidji: 3:02

Nonviolent Communication.

Elizabeth Winkler: 3:04

So I actually recently was listening to him because I love his work so much, and he talks about how we have a natural way of just giving you know. That’s our true nature, our true being, our I am-ness is naturally giving you know in the giving and receiving.

davidji: 3:23

However Right, because we’re beings of connection, so there needs to be dynamic exchange in every moment, and when we’re receiving too much, it’s overwhelming, and when we’re giving too much, it’s exhausting. So, so perfect.

Elizabeth Winkler: 3:36

Yeah, but that’s our true nature. I think of children or I mean I remember being in cultures, like when I was in Africa, and seeing that you see it in certain cultures, where they’re not as conditioned egoically, that there’s more that natural giving. Anyway, he said in this talk I was listening to recently, there’s the who’s right, the game of who’s right, versus making life wonderful. That’s what his perspective, marshall Rosenberg, is. Making life wonderful, that’s what his perspective, marshall Rosenberg. I can be in the natural giving of making my life wonderful, of how I interact with other human beings and with myself. Obviously, how we are with ourselves is how we are with others or in the game of who’s right. And if you go back to our very first episode of this podcast, Are you an ego Jedi?

Elizabeth Winkler: 4:27

Yes, jedi, which is justify, explain, defend and Insist, yes. So when we are in Jedi mode, we are in separation mode and we are not in connection. And we all want connection. I know for myself, that’s my deepest driving desire. You’re talking about needs. I think that that is just who we are as humans.

davidji: 4:56

Listen. As a therapist, please share what is the reason that you find with your clients, that you find with your clients, what is the reason that they don’t express their needs? Fear Fear Shame, fear of being vulnerable, fear of being exposed.

Elizabeth Winkler: 5:12

Fear of rejection, Fear of being, yes, vulnerable. Well before that, like at the root, we all are vulnerable.

davidji: 5:22

Right Raise your hand if you’ve ever said to someone I love you and maybe it took too long for them to say it back, or they didn’t say it back where they were like thanks.

Elizabeth Winkler: 5:34

Right, really underneath it all, and now you’re bringing in something else, which I love. This is how this podcast always works, so we feel weakness and I just created another practice, that’s right.

davidji: 5:47

You created your weak practice.

Elizabeth Winkler: 5:49

Yeah, so I’ll explain it here. So I was in a group and someone was expressing about feeling weak or judging others as weak, and I just followed my intuition and I wrote the word down W-E-A-K. I knew there was something there, my intuition knew I didn’t know what it was and I ended up creating this practice welcome energy, allow kindness. So this is something you can say to yourself. It’s also something you can do with that feeling inside of your body. You welcome if you’re’re feeling weak within or you’re feeling vulnerable, wounded, whatever that may be, and we all feel that every day, probably at some point in time. This is why.

davidji: 6:32

This is something that, as soon as we feel aware or triggered that we are lacking in something, we can just invite that phrase W-E-A-K. Welcome. Energy Allow, kindness, brilliant, that’s great.

Elizabeth Winkler: 6:48

What it does. It’s another way of working. You know, when I talk about fear as a friend existing as resistance, it’s just another way of looking at that, that there’s something inside of us.

davidji: 6:59

It’s not just the perspective, it’s a tool, a tool that we can use and activate in those moments. So these are not just mic drop perspectives or cool ideas or ways of phrasing something. These are powerful tools to use in those moments.

Elizabeth Winkler: 7:13

So, yeah, you asked the question why are people not expressing their needs? So many reasons, and this idea that I’m not enough is false. Okay, everybody is enough exactly as they are. However, we have hidden these parts of ourselves that were either rejected or judged by our families or peer groups or our culture, okay, and those we have hidden and deemed weak or insecurities, et cetera, et cetera, right, so those are the hidden aspects within each one of us, and so those exist in everyone, and I believe and experience myself I actually I can tell a personal story of working with this.

Elizabeth Winkler: 7:59

My experience is that by doing this, you soften the walls around your heart that you have built and allow that wound and everyone maybe knows, I say, the wound is the way that wound to heal, and so the weakness is your uniqueness, and so that is where you access more of your abundance. We are in a scarcity mode when we judge and block that part of your light. This is a way to become more of the light. That is your uniqueness. So then you get in touch with those deeper needs, but I think that that’s really calling us that vulnerability, that rejected part of ourselves, that weakness, is what needs you. It needs you to pay attention to it, to take its hand. So do you want to hear my personal story of working with this recently?

davidji: 9:02

Yes, but I want to introduce this other concept because you mentioned. This is about connection. This is about dynamic exchange, and so there needs to be me expressing to you what I need, but that’s assuming that everyone we bump into has read nonviolent communication and is going to say, oh, here’s what I need. How can we be good allies, good partners, good friends, good completers of this dynamic exchange, knowing that most people are going to be feeling vulnerable or ashamed or scared or fearful in some way? So we can also step up to people and say what do you need? How could I help you, Instead of guessing what they need and a lot of times you guess what some you know.

davidji: 9:50

This morning, when you pulled into the parking lot, I didn’t say to you yeah, I could use a little help here. I had, you know, seven things and two arms. So who’s that on? I should feel more comfortable saying, hey, give me a hand. Hey, since you’re there too, you can help me carry this too, or you could hold the door. You could do this, Like all those different things. It’s a very important component. There’s two parts of this. There’s the person who expresses here’s what I need, and then there’s the friend or lover or partner or spouse or sibling or workmate who says what do you need?

Elizabeth Winkler: 10:28

Yeah, what I often say is how can I be of support, Right? So?

davidji: 10:32

tell me the story. Come on, come on.

Elizabeth Winkler: 10:34

Okay, so I was with my kids and I had had a little exchange that wasn’t going very well and I was trying to be there and your kids are teenagers. Yeah, I was trying to be there for, you know, in a conversation and I’m a therapist so you know I love to process things but it’s not always met well right, and I could see that our conversation was not going well and I needed to remove myself and so I went into the kitchen and then I felt this kind of block arise inside of me.

davidji: 11:13

You introduced a pattern interrupt.

Elizabeth Winkler: 11:15

I did. But then I felt like this blockage, like I was shutting down or something was happening, I don’t know. So I decided to go upstairs, remove myself to another. Yeah, even further.

davidji: 11:25

Then I got in my car and drove to another town.

Elizabeth Winkler: 11:27

Yeah, and I repeated welcome energy, allow kindness for like 10 minutes and then I came back down and I was more, more available, but I still was kind of not fully fully there, so cleaned up the kitchen, went to bed. What was fascinating about this? This is why meditate, you know, later in the day, everybody, when I slept that night I would wake up a little bit here, a little bit there, and when I woke up, throughout the night my mind was just doing the mantra welcome energy, allow kindness. It was like I imprinted it because I had done it. It wasn’t at bedtime but it was, you know, dinner time. So throughout the night, whenever I would wake up just for a little moment, I was saying it, it was just happening. The mantra was there.

Elizabeth Winkler: 12:16

When I woke up the next morning after having done that, I guess through the night, my heart felt completely different and it felt completely vulnerable. It felt pretty raw and I went in my backyard and I was like, oh my gosh, this is why we have blocks. I was like this is so intense. I had really dissolved something. I don’t know what it was. It felt like it might have been really old, I have no idea, it doesn’t really matter and I felt this raw energy inside of myself.

davidji: 12:55

Wait, wait, wait. So this is a really important thing Because as a therapist, as a psychotherapist, as a heavily practiced psychotherapist, alchemical, transformational healer, you encounter this all the time and I’m sure a whole bunch of your conversations with those who show up and sit on the couch with you, you invite them to give some context and to tell their story and to go deep into, like, well, what happened. But there’s something that sets you apart, and this is one of the many brilliant superpowers that you have. We don’t have to necessarily go back to the scene of the crime, we don’t have to necessarily go back to find that. What was that moment? What did that person say? What did you answer? How did you feel?

davidji: 13:46

Since everything is energy, as Einstein said, we can go back to the energy and befriend it, of course, but go through a process of befriending it, go through a process of connecting to it. And it’s in that connection to the energy and the befriending of the energy where it then dissipates to a certain extent and no longer holds its grip on us. And this is why you, Elizabeth, are so expansive, because it’s not just tell me who said what and when, and let’s go to that space With you, it’s. Let’s go straight to the energy.

Elizabeth Winkler: 14:25

Yeah, it’s really important. It’s what I changed significantly when I started to make my work more in alignment with the body, working with energy in the body and the story. If someone wants to talk about their story, we can absolutely go there, but it can be a limitation and a canoe and if you don’t know what I mean by a canoe, we have an episode on that.

davidji: 14:50

What do we call that episode? We should have just called that episode canoe, since we referenced it so many times that it’s never called canoe. What are you holding on to?

Elizabeth Winkler: 14:58

Yes, okay. So here I am in the kitchen and I’m feeling a blockage, right. A lot of my clients will be like, well, I want to know what it is before I go there. And I’m like, well, you don’t really get the gift until you’ve actually moved through it and the wisdom is in the wound and you got to move through it. That’s what I have come to understand and, honestly, if you don’t have to label it, you usually will transmute more energy than just the one thing, right, which is what you’re talking about, and so it’s really powerful. So, anyway, I’m in my backyard and I’m feeling this rawness and you know I’m all about healing the heart. But I was like, in that moment I was pretty humbled. I was like, oh, this does not feel good to feel this raw. So what did I do? I did some grounding, I spoke to one of my healers and I felt my feelings. There was some really deep feelings that had been in my heart that hadn’t been felt, released it and it was gone. So I’ve been bringing this week practice into my clients’ lives.

Elizabeth Winkler: 16:08

You also can use it when you’re judging someone as weak. It’s not just about working with your own, it’s an extension out. We’re talking about connection. We’re talking about giving and receiving. When we’re giving and receiving, if we’re judging someone else as weak, what if you were to welcome that energy and allow kindness to mix with that? It will shift. Then that puts us in that, as Marshall Rosenberg said, we’re more in connection. We can build bridges of understanding rather than more division in our lives and in ourselves, and we’re not in the game of who’s right and who’s wrong, which is why we have war and why we have hate and why we have shame, and we can become instrumental in healing that. I think that this also ties very deeply into how we punish ourselves, how we feel like we have to earn our sense of being valued, which I’m really not into. You know this word deserving. I’m really not into.

davidji: 17:10

You know this word deserving you have expressed great nuance with worthy deserving. Share that a little bit. We all at times feel full and we all at times feel less than.

Elizabeth Winkler: 17:30

Yes, the less than part is what needs healing to come back into the true being. The true being is whole and complete and in abundance. We have hurt, we have wounds. Around those wounds, we’ve created belief systems that say I’m not enough, I don’t deserve, fill in the blank what do I not deserve? I’m not enough. And all of those are imprinted within us and we can heal those. And I think what’s underneath that is our vulnerability and, as I said, your weakness is your uniqueness.

Elizabeth Winkler: 17:55

So what I like to do with the word deserve because, if you look it up again, I was in a group. Someone said the word deserve and it just hit me hard and we looked it up and it’s about reward and punishment. So if we’re in the world of deserving, we’re in the world of our ego, which is a place of scarcity. I’m not saying people don’t deserve love, that’s not what I’m saying. I just think that the word is a trap because of what it implicates that we need to earn love, and reward and punishment are the two sides of the same coin. And instead of deserving we could just say well, what do I desire? What do you desire in this moment when you’re feeling maybe needy or not enough. What is it that you are desiring?

davidji: 18:42

Go with me on this. I was talking to one of my coaching clients yesterday and she said, as she has continued to grow and evolve on this spiritual journey, she said that some pretty horrible things happened to her in her life and she had experienced some level of betrayal and some level of trauma. And here she was a bunch of years later feeling because I was in a low vibration place. I created that, I attracted that betrayal, I attracted that traumatic experience. Certainly, to have that conversation now and talk about the past and go into the past and say if only I had been meditating, if only I had been I am love, if only I had been. And my response was begin the forgiveness process.

davidji: 19:37

Because, who knows, you could have been meditating eight hours a day and still these horrible things could have been happening. You could have been reading the Dhammapada of the Buddha all day long and the Bhagavad Gita and all these other teachings, and still something was going to happen to your family member or some kind of tragedy would have befallen you. So could you speak to the people who believe? Well, I’m not doing the egoic stuff, I’m doing the more expansive and spiritual stuff, but stuff keeps happening to me.

Elizabeth Winkler: 20:07

Well, I think that that can be a spiritual ego moment. There’s a lot of self-blame in that. It sounds like Like oh, I attracted this to me. You know that sounds like an egoic perspective.

davidji: 20:21

All right, we need to dive into this, because ego can be translated seven trillion ways. I have always said don’t destroy the ego. Sorry, Eckhart. Embrace the ego, understand it. My definition of ego has always been your sense of self. But of course there’s a psychological understanding of what the ego is. And when we are in the ego, the self, small S self versus the big S, capital S self, in those moments we are small, it’s all about power, it’s all about control, it’s all about fear. It’s all about desperation. It’s all about status, it’s all about positions and possessions. This is the world of the ego as I understand it.

Elizabeth Winkler: 21:06

I don’t use the word a lot, but I’ve been just using it. So here we go. I like to use the word mind for ego. It’s the same thing. So the ego? What is the ego? It’s the mind. The mind that’s always in a duality space of good, bad, right, wrong, looking at things in a very black and white way, which is not reality. I’ve said duality is not reality. That’s a level you can live from. It’s the voice in your head. If you’ve read the Untethered Soul, I have that same perspective, that that is not who you are. That is just a set of programs from your life experience. So you can look at it like this I have the personal computer within my own self of all my life, things that I held on to, my simscars of pain and wonderful things. All are stored inside of me, which are in my heart, and then the voice in my head is very connected to that program. So if someone cuts me off in traffic, I might not get bothered, but someone else that would bother them. That has to do with whatever you stored inside of you else that would bother them. That has to do with whatever you stored inside of you. And so our ego slash.

Elizabeth Winkler: 22:16

I would say mind, the voice in your head is not you. Most people think it is. They think I’m thinking these thoughts. They’re just happening as you teach. We have 60 to 80,000 thoughts a day. I’m not talking about when you’re in the zone and you’re fully present and you have these ideas. That’s not what I’m talking about. I’m talking about the one that’s always judging and comparing, catastrophizing your true being. Doesn’t you and I arrive here? We’re not like thinking about what we’re going to say. We’re just speaking in the moment. It’s spontaneous. That’s a different level.

davidji: 22:47

That’s the beauty of the shadow and the light podcast.

Elizabeth Winkler: 22:49

That’s the spontaneity of being present when you’re connected to the vortex of the present moment. We all have that capability and capacity and we all do it, but we kind of blow it off. You could call it being an intuition, I don’t usually call it that. There’s no voice there, and so to me the ego is very connected to pain.

davidji: 23:18

It’s all about pain and avoidance of more pain, which just creates more pain. So you’re referring to pain that has been experienced over the course of a lifetime and then replaying those themes or learning the lesson Like I definitely don’t want to experience that again.

Elizabeth Winkler: 23:30

So this is how I talk about it. You have a voice in your head. It’s talking all the time. I’m sure you’ve noticed it’s doing it right now. Mine’s doing it, mateo’s is doing it, everyone listening.

davidji: 23:40

Mateo, just say hi, so people know that you’re actually. We’re not just like saying the word Mateo Hi.

Elizabeth Winkler: 23:46

So, anyway, everyone has that. You might be like, oh, this episode is so boring, this episode is so intriguing. So, anyway, whatever your voice is saying, that’s the voice in your head. That’s what I’m calling the ego. Okay, it’s just a movement through the world. The mind is a movement through the world. It’s flowing through us and we hold onto it as if it’s us right Now.

Elizabeth Winkler: 24:11

Your personal pain that you’ve stored in your heart, as well as moments that you thought, oh my God, this is the most amazing moment. Anything you’ve stored needs to be released in order for you to actually be totally free and totally in the self, with a capital S. How do you do that? Well, you can’t do it if you’re in your head, because the head is adding more files to the heart. So I call it like this the mind is the weeds and the heart holds the seed. So if you work at the level of the mind and you try to get rid of your ego or rid of your mind, forget it. You’re just going to get more weeds. That’s not how it works. You got to go to the seed and the heart.

Elizabeth Winkler: 24:51

So whatever the voice in your head is saying, follow. Take an elevator from your head down to your heart and notice. What am I noticing? What am I noticing in my body? Not, why is my voice talking about this? Or why am I still thinking about this? No, no, whys. Where am I feeling this? Is there a place in my body that’s activated? Every activation is an invitation for you to be more free. Just notice that. Notice that weakness.

Elizabeth Winkler: 25:20

If there’s a weakness, welcome the energy and allow kindness to mix with this. What will that do? Energy cannot be created or destroyed, so you’re not destroying anything. You’re allowing kindness to take the hand of whatever that pain of the past maybe was we don’t need to know and then the kindness allows it to lift up to a higher level of vibration and, as you say, davidji, highest vibration always wins. So when we welcome the energy and we allow kindness, that is a higher vibration. It allows whatever’s stuck to come up and take a new form.

Elizabeth Winkler: 26:01

And so this is how we can heal our hearts. And just know that the voice in your head is not going to lead you to healing. It’s going to actually add more files of what I can and can’t do and create more separation. So don’t make it a problem. That will make you more stuck, because that’s more ego, that’s more mind, and don’t make it a problem, Just let it be what it is and let it be a guide. That’s why I always say fear is a friend existing as resistance. The mind is telling you there’s something going on deeper, so go to that, be with that, welcome the energy, allow kindness, even welcome the energy of the voice in your head, allow kindness to mix with it. It’s all about embracing, as you said. Through this practice we really can come more deeply into our body and into our true being and discover deeper levels of the self.

davidji: 26:57

Once we tell people what our needs are, there’s three responses that they can have. And in nonviolent communication, which is a four-step process. The fourth step, after identifying your needs and sharing what your need is, is to make a request. Identifying your needs and sharing what your need is is to make a request, so it puts the responsibility on you to then don’t demand, because we do a lot of demanding. Give me that, give me the attention I deserve right now. What’s the one of the first things we learned as a child? You know to say please, no-transcript, let me help you. Let me help you meet your need.

davidji: 27:53

Because imagine there’s 8 billion people on the planet, 8 billion people walking around simultaneously, not expressing their needs but needing, bumping into each other, crisscrossing paths. You know, this morning when I woke up, I figured, oh, I’ve got an extra 15 minutes before I get to the podcast room. Let me see how many people I can cut off before I get there. So room, let me see how many people I can cut off before I get there. So I jumped on the highway, started racing around figuring out how many people could I possibly cut off today, because we know what it’s like to be cut off and we’re like, oh my God, I can’t believe that person cut me off. So I figured, let me be the person who cuts people off. And after I’d cut off like 12 people at high speed no, I’m kidding, I didn’t do any of that and as you were listening to me, you were probably finding that so absurd. But if it’s so absurd, why do we get angry at the person who cut us off? Now we realized they weren’t trying to cut us off, they were just trying to get someplace and they were oblivious to us, right? So suddenly, like, the whole cutoff thing on the planet just got solved, because you’ll never look at someone who cut you off again as intentionally waking up. See how many people I can cut off before noon today.

davidji: 29:03

So as we go through this process, we have to get more bold identifying our needs, expressing our needs and asking people to meet those needs. That’s it. So they can say, yes, got it done. They could say, ooh, I’d like to, but for whatever reason, can’t do it. And then there’s a conversation Well, can they negotiate their situation? Can they try to make that happen? And then the third answer is no, that’s your need. No, can’t meet it. The person who just says no, someone who’s telling us because no, the rules say no. But if this is somebody in your life not someone you know, working for some kind of governmental agency saying no, maybe you should rethink having that person in your life.

Elizabeth Winkler: 29:57

Or go deeper with it. There could be so many reasons for that. I think diving deeper into what that no is about for that person, especially if it’s an important person in your life, I think that’s important.

davidji: 30:10

Well, if they say I’d like to but I can’t, that’s not no. If someone says no with a pregnant pause after that.

Elizabeth Winkler: 30:16

Right, but that sounds like a reaction. It doesn’t sound you know what I mean, potentially. So I’m just saying there could be something deeper.

davidji: 30:23

These are the three ways people can respond. We just need to figure out. Okay, this is the response that came back to me. What do I want to do with it?

Elizabeth Winkler: 30:32

We really have to work on our own needs. We have to take care of our own hearts. I think there potentially are a lot of people that are seeking others to complete themselves through this kind of scenario. We need to make sure that we are tending to our own hearts and not looking outside of ourselves for others to fulfill what we also need to tend to ourselves.

davidji: 31:02

So critical, so critical. So the first step really is the identification. We know Maslow’s hierarchy of needs the physiological, the needs of safety and security, the needs of love and belongingness, the esteem or social needs those are all referred to as deficiency needs. And then, of course, the fifth level of needs is a growth need and that’s self-actualization, or Maslow referred to it as transcendence, serving others, living our lives knowing that there are beings above us who could use our attention and service. There are so many different types of needs we have, and that’s why Elizabeth and I always recommend hold up the mirror, and what I’ll often do. I’ve been doing it for about 15 years now.

davidji: 31:50

In a moment that I feel triggered, I’ll say to myself what need of mine is not being met right now? Not that someone else needs to meet it, but what is not being met. It’s usually that attention, affection, appreciation or acceptance. And here’s the reality of that. Most of us are not going to wake up and someone lying next to us is going to gaze into our eyes and say good morning, you’re beautiful, You’re doing a great job and I love you. You could be so happily in a relationship.

davidji: 32:30

Chances are that’s not starting your morning and so you wake up, shower, you get on, you know, get dressed, move out, walk the dog, pick up, poop, do whatever, feed kids or dress kids or feed animals and then head out into the world and no one has said to you you’re beautiful, you’re doing a great job and I love you. And those words, just that sentence. All right, close your eyes. Okay, I’m saying these words to you You’re beautiful, you’re doing a great job and I love you. Okay, open your eyes, feels better. Weird, but right. We’re not getting that. Even when we’re living with people who adore us, we’re not waking up and getting that.

Elizabeth Winkler: 33:15

I know, but also, like I see, so many people that can’t receive. You know we’re talking about dynamic exchange, Right? So if you closed your eyes and allowed those words to be received, did you allow that to be received? Were you in receiving of that so important, so critical? Now, why would we not let ourselves receive? Because we have a block that’s telling us a story. The block’s in the heart, the mind is connected, the weed is growing saying I don’t deserve that. I don’t deserve these things.

davidji: 33:52

No, I’m not beautiful. Yeah, I’m doing an okay job. Right, so you don’t really love me.

Elizabeth Winkler: 33:57

Those are connected to very old stories and old pain, and it’s real. It’s real for people. But you can heal that. But guess what? This is why we need to tend to our own hearts, because if we’re looking for other people to fulfill, I’m not saying you can’t ask other people to help you with your needs, but I am saying you need to work on yourself, because otherwise it’s just like I need it again and again and again and again, and it never ends. You’ve got to take the hand that’s reaching up from your heart. That’s what the weakness thing is about. It’s a younger version of yourself. This is inner child healing. It’s a younger version that did not get seen, did not get the validation it needed, that was not heard. And so when you feel that inside of yourself whether you’re interacting with another human being or you’re just alone in the kitchen, like I was you can work with this. You can work with this, and then your needs are filled up within your own heart and guess what?

davidji: 34:58

You feel less needy, because the real place that you need it is within yourself, since we can’t guarantee or schedule or even invite someone to come up to us to start our day or throughout the day. You’re beautiful, you’re doing a great job and I love you. We have to give that to ourselves.

Elizabeth Winkler: 35:18

We have that choice, we have that power. You can control that. There’s so much we can’t control. So inviting every single person here to start to communicate with their own heart, to start to allow that weakness that is yours to not be seen as something bad, to not judge it and to understand that there’s beauty in that, if you can get in touch with your heart.

davidji: 35:47

And if we want to be seen as beautiful, we have to see ourselves as beautiful. If we want to be acknowledged or recognized for doing a good job or a great job or showing up and bringing it, we have to have that sense of self as well. And if we’re looking to be loved by somebody else and if we’re looking to be loved by somebody else, the ancient teachings tell us all kindness, compassion, forgiveness and love begin with self. Kindness, compassion, forgiveness and love. And that’s the secret, that’s the key. Can we bring these things to ourselves? Can we give ourselves the attention that we need, the affection that we need, the appreciation that we need and the acceptance that we need, before we start demanding it or having an issue that someone else isn’t giving it to us, issue that someone else isn’t giving it to us? So you want to be loved. Begin loving yourself. You want to be appreciated. Start appreciating yourself, and I recommend a daily gratitude practice. It’s one of the most important things that I think we all can do, whether it’s having a gratitude jar or taking 20 seconds and just closing your eyes. And let’s do it right here, right now. Let’s just close our eyes right here, unless you’re driving or chopping something. And who are the beings? Who are the people? What are the animals? What’s the stuff, the situations and circumstances for which you’re truly grateful and other stuff may come up Lean into your gratitude.

davidji: 37:29

What are you truly grateful for? So that was 20 seconds. It takes 20 seconds, according to the Greater Good School at UC Berkeley 20 seconds for gratitude to get etched inside of us. So we all have it now. And between Elizabeth’s weak acronym oh, my God, that’s so weak Welcome energy. Allow kindness. Think of how, for some reason, we may have disallowed kindness to flow in and out of us, and this is our opportunity to remind ourselves. So, with these tools certainly being aware of nonviolent communication and activating it, expressing your needs better, asking for what you need, identifying what you need and making a request for others to meet your need. And, as Elizabeth said, why don’t we dial in making a request for our own self to meet our own need? Elizabeth mentioned inner child healing. There’s another episode on inner child healing and we will go deep into that. So share this podcast with your friends. Definitely explore these tools for allowing your needs to be met at a higher level, because you are so worthy of love, of receiving love, of being, love, of sharing love.

Elizabeth Winkler: 39:13

Of course we are more than enough, you know yeah.

davidji: 39:17

And now it’s time for Living the Light.

Elizabeth Winkler: 39:20

Today’s takeaway when you’re feeling weak or you’re judging someone else as weak. Welcome energy, allow kindness, say that to yourself, say that to your own heart, say that to yourself, say that to your own heart, say that to others, extend it out and allow that energy to shift, and what it creates is more empathy for yourself and others, and we can all use that.

davidji: 39:46

Welcome energy. Allow kindness From the sweet spot of the universe. This is davidji. I’m here with the alchemical transformational psychotherapist to the universe, Elizabeth Winkler. Hopefully you found some value in this episode. Please share it like it, ask us questions and comment. Wherever you listen to this, whether it’s on Spotify or Apple Podcasts or YouTube, we invite you to comment and share and know that the Shadow and the Light podcast is only a click away. Let’s do it, Jamar.

Music: 40:22

I will not be afraid of the shadows in the dark. They will lead the way to the hidden pathways of the heart and that secret place. That is where I find my start. The light is here to remove all my fears and to bring new sight the light, the light. If you’re gone, then we’ll go to the deep to take me to you.

Music: 40:58

The light, the shadow and the light. There’s hope out in rock bottom. You hold it as you’re on the mend, but don’t rush past this moment. The darkness can become a friend. Love will come by your side and you’ll shine brighter than a million suns A million suns. You went through hell, but now you’re in the light. It is here to remove all your fears and to bring new sight. The light, the light, the light, the light, the light, the light, the light, the light, the light, the light, the light, the light. The light has come to set us free. The light has come to set us free. The shadow. Come to guide and love us. The shadow come to guide and love us. The shadow come to set us free. The light is here to remove all our fears and to bring new life. The light to bring new life to life, to life. It’s a life that will go to the deep, to take us to new heights, to new heights the shadow and the light.